I Was Not to Blame

Many years ago Derek and I were expecting our first baby.  I had always wanted to be a Mom. I had worried for years that I might never be able to be a Mom.  And now we were expecting!  And then, 13 weeks along, we found out that our baby had only lived 8 weeks.  We were so sad, and so disappointed.  Along with those feelings, I also felt like it was my fault.  I mistakenly thought that I must have done something wrong, and God must be punishing me, or that I just lacked faith, and that was the problem.

Derek kindly explained to me that God is not like that, but I was having a hard time getting past the feeling that this happened because I was somehow lacking.  What I wanted was a good thing, right?  Why would I not be getting what I wanted if it was a good thing?

Not too long after the miscarriage, Derek and I attended a fireside where Elder Neal A. Maxwell spoke.  I think our loving Heavenly Father sent him to speak to me.  He told me that, if nobody needed a Savior in the whole world but me, Jesus still would have come down and suffered what He needed to in order to save me.  He knows my name.  He knows my sorrows, my wants, my weaknesses, my sins, and He still loves me.

When I left that fireside I understood better than I ever had, that hard things are a part of life, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus are sad when I am sad, and are there to help me when I ask.  Some problems may never be fixed in this life, but that is not because our Father loves us any less than he loves anyone else.  He loves us so much, and believes in us so much, that He believes we can handle hard things and remain faithful. I learned that, in the case of my miscarriage, I was not to blame.