Since my cancer was stage 0 and there was pretty much 0 percent likelihood that I would die from it, I often struggled with guilt over the fact that having cancer was hard -- especially because I had a friend who was dealing with a much more aggressive form of breast cancer at the same time.
I found the biopsy traumatic and somehow violating. I got a huge bruise and an infection from that and remember being angry at the doctor who was happily chatting at the desk while I was suffering inside a room waiting for him. The medicine I got then made me so sick that I had to stop taking it and get another one. That bruise later caused some some concern that maybe there was more cancer than they thought, but thankfully the Dr. decided close to surgery time not to require a mastectomy. She was thankful -- as was I -- when it turned out that all of my cancer was actually removed during the biopsy!
Still, I wasn't done with treatment. There were weeks of radiation to get through, and a full hysterectomy, and then medicine to remove any extra estrogen in my body that might fuel any other cancer cells that could show up.
With all of that, and the extra depression caused by the lack of estrogen, there was also so much to be grateful for. There were so many tender mercies! There were my immediate family members and our large extended families. There were friends that were so concerned about me that I had a more clear idea of how much I matter to people. There was a poem by a friend delivered at just the right moment. There were my cute Primary children who smiled at me and sat by me at church when I was having a hard time. There were health care workers who made me feel so good about my efforts to be a happy and thoughtful patient.
I had one friend who took me for a drive and shared information that helped me feel more calm and at peace. There were blessings reminding me that I am not a burden -- even if I sometimes felt like one. There were lunches to share -- brought by friends and family, there were notes, and so many beautiful flowers. There was even a cousin dealing with the same thing that made me feel like I was the brave one -- when I thought she was! There were enough good things that I can't list them all.
It is good for me to remember that in life there are hard things. Even if my hard things don't measure up to how hard of a thing I think someone else is dealing with, it doesn't take away from the fact that I am struggling. It is also good for me to remember that in every hard thing I have faced, there have been loving and kind friends, and tender mercies that make everything bearable, and help me move through things better than I expected.
