Am I Really Enough?

 

Teddy and me after one of our morning walks.

Have you ever had someone tell you that you are "enough" and immediately, inside your head, you hear, "They don't really know me", followed by all of the ways that they are wrong.  I have.  I know what they are trying to say, but I get this uncomfortable feeling as I list things in my head.  I am not patient enough or energetic enough.  I don't make dinner enough, or help others enough.  I don't spend enough time listening to my family and friends.  There are plenty of ways that I don't feel "enough" on any given day.  So it was with some relief that I heard Sadie Robertson Huff say in her audio book Live On Purpose, "I am enough because God is Enough".  

Trying to be "enough" on our own often looks like perfectionism.  We get it in our heads that we will be enough when .... and we work really hard at everything until we are too tired, or too discouraged and a little too convinced that there is no such thing as enough.  

I love my Savior and it is really only through Him that I am ever truly "enough".  He paid the price for every bout of impatience.  He paid the price for my sins.  He also experienced, through the Atonement, what it feels like to feel so very flawed.  He has compassion for me, and knows how to strengthen me, and help me to learn.

I am determined that next time I hear that I am enough, I will not list all of my flaws in my head.  Instead I will add that I am enough because of Jesus.

Marching Onward: The March Report

March had 2 words to contemplate.  Capable and Create.  My goal was to practice helping others -- and believing I am capable of helping.  I was to create time to serve others, and to spend time with God.  Create beauty, meals, fun.

Alas, April's goal would have worked better for March since it is to cultivate the skill of asking for help when it is needed.  Sigh.  In March I got Covid -- for 10 days!  Then I was depressed and had what I describe as a "zingy headache".  My wrist started hurting somewhere in there and eventually my thumb and the inside of my arm.  I went to Dr. Google and discovered that I have De Quervain's Tenosynovitis.  I acquired a brace to hold my thumb and wrist still on my right hand.  I am right handed!  Naturally my left thumb now hurts so I try to pretend it doesn't.  I'm not good at that kind of pretending.  I'm learning to hit the space bar exclusively with my left thumb though and doing that doesn't hurt.

With my headache, my heart was also often out of rhythm, but I did get a couple of day reprieve before it was time to prepare for my colonoscopy.  Ugh!  A gallon of disgusting drink to swallow while hanging out in or near the bathroom.  Luckily the nurse suggested I have a good tasting drink nearby to hurry and drink after a swallow of yuckiness.  I would not have been able to gag that down without some Ginger Ale.  I did get done a bit earlier than expected.  If I know I have to do something I don't like, I try to get it done as quickly as possible.  I went to bed and slept until my alarm went off and then went to the hospital with Derek.  All went well and I slept pretty much all of Friday.  It's a little freaky to not remember ever getting into a wheelchair or into the car -- or really into the house!

I don't think I practiced helping others much but my family helped me! I spent a lot of time talking to God in my head.  Probably some of it was whiny even though Jesus suffered way worse for me!  I doubt I created many meals, or much fun, but I did decorate the house for Easter -- with some help from Jake and Dan.  There were other good things strewn throughout March that helped me stay mostly ok.

The day after my colonoscopy I didn't feel great but Sunday was a good day.  Then .....  the flu.  At least the doctor who did my colonoscopy thought so when I called him.  Having a fever and achy joints and head is actually worse than drinking a gallon of yuckiness!  Today I finally feel fairly normal except for feeling a little weak and shaky.

So on to April.  I'm so done with March!

Imagine: February's Report

Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash

 You don't actually have to imagine what my February report is.  I'll give it to you.  Imagine was the word I was to contemplate in February.  My goal was to have activities at the ready (for when people come over) and to try at least 4 new ones.  I was to use my imagination to create solutions to problems, and to make plans (for the yard / garden / blog / family / etc.).   Hmmmm.  I was always an ambitious goal maker!  So the report will really be me looking back at my calendar to see what I actually did and to use my imagination to find ways I may have actually accomplished at least some of my goal!

First, I imagine I at least considered trying four new activities -- but I didn't actually try any of the games or other activities I thought I might.  I did try having a snack out for a friend who was coming to do a craft with me.  I felt like that was a hospitality success for me since I usually wouldn't have thought of that.  Or, I would have over thought it until I didn't do it!  This isn't a big thing.  But perhaps without studying up and thinking about hospitality I wouldn't have done it.

Next.  To imagine solutions to problems you must first have some.  I am not going to report that I didn't have any.  That would be false.  I just used my imagination to forget them I guess!!

February was the month of all of the medical check ups.  I only cried at one and I imagined I could say what I wanted to say without doing that.  Epic fail!  February was also a month where I finally got a man that worked at Agape to smile at me.  Of course Agape is closed down now but it made my day that he smiled at me after all of my efforts to smile and say hello every time I saw him.  I was helping him that day and working together can make a big difference in how someone sees you.

So that is the February report now that it is April!  February was a mostly lovely month!