SURVIVOR

 

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash
*I have this picture on my phone cover right now.  Life has its ebbs and flows and just now it feels like lava rock -- unyielding, hard, and sharp.  The flowers are to remind me that beautiful things can grow out of hard places.  I might feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a crevice right now, but I refuse not to bloom!

SURVIVOR

S is for Sherie striving to survive stress, sadness, loneliness, and the constant battle to believe that my mistakes aren’t enough to sink me, or those around me down to where we are unsaveable. I choose to believe because S is for Savior, and I (we all) have one.

U is for upset.  I am upset that I cry so much and feel so broken as to be dangerous – like broken glass waiting for the unsuspecting bare feet to happen by and be cut.  The glass has no ill intent.  It is just glass that is broken, and I have no ill intent but my brokenness might be just as hurtful to those around me as broken glass is to bare feet.  U also stands for umbrellas, or shelter from the storms of life.  Jesus is my shelter. He holds me close, and safe.

R is for reasons.  Reasons to be sad, and stressed.  Reasons to feel overwhelmed and alone.  There are so many real reasons!  Reasons are also there for hope and for not giving up, but those reasons are harder to see and hear and have to be worked for even when I am too tired to even sleep.  It seems rare to have a day when I do not have to fight for my good reasons.

V is for how vicious life can seem, waiting until you are down and hurting to throw yet another log on the already burning house.  V is also for the victory that I hope for if I can just keep from giving up.  What does victory look like?  It looks like something as “simple” as a good night’s rest and enough energy to handle my own mistakes with more grace and less pride.

I is for the one I focus on too much (me!).  It is for insidious and persistent thoughts that say I will never be good enough.  No matter how good my intentions are, my actions will never measure up.  I is also for interest and the good that interest in others and in learning can do.  It is especially for the great I AM who created life to be beautiful and good and who made a way for us to survive and even thrive when life is hard.

V is for new velcro.  It sticks together like our family does throughout all of our difficulties.  It is also for victory.  I have hope that God will never let me, or any of us go to something so simple as being worn out, but will open the way for our eventual victory over all that is hard and that seems hopeless.

O is for the the oxygen I currently do not get enough of at night.  It is for how ornery I feel, and how obvious it is to me that I am barely holding together and that I am close to breaking like Humpty Dumpty. But unlike Humpty, there is One that can save me.  He did His saving work already and I just need to look, and trust, and know that the One and Only Begotten Son of God will always be happy to see and hear from me, and He doesn’t want me to quit trying.

R Is for resurrection, when all that is broken will become new and whole.  R is for this race that I am running.  I do not feel like I am succeeding any more than I did at 9th grade track, but I didn’t give up then and I won’t now.  I am a SURVIVOR

Armor

 

Photo by Jonathan Kemper on Unsplash

Armor (Verb):  provide (someone) with emotional, social, or other defenses (Definition from Google)

I stopped writing a while ago because in writing what I was thankful for I felt repetitive and was a little bored with my own writing.  As I told a friend, "How many times can I write that I am thankful for turkeys?"  She was wise enough to know that writing is therapeutic to me and she encouraged me to not stop.  I have tried every day since then but couldn't manage.  It did get me thinking though, and that was helpful.

I have taken to listening to the radio station "Positive Encouraging K-LOVE" and I have been so thankful to have uplifting messages and songs that I could access easily.  Since music affects me so much, I decided to create a helpful playlist.  I spent quite a bit of time thinking of a good name for it.  I chose Armor.  I felt in need of a defense against the continuous flood of negative emotions that comes with depression and a protection against all that could separate me from my belief in the love of my Savior.  (I have severe obstructive sleep apnea and being tired is my main depression trigger.  That is not helpful!)

Most of all I want to lift up my heart and rejoice and take upon myself God's whole armor so that I can withstand the "evil day" and, having done all, to stand (with God).  (paraphrased from Ephesians and from the Doctrine and Covenants).

I am thankful for musical armor and the armor that is the love of family and friends.  I am thankful for the power of God's word, and the gift of prayer.  And, though it really is funny, I am thankful for the Elk Ridge turkeys -- especially the one that I named George today. (He reminded me of something from the movie George of the Jungle).

Meet George.  He made me smile today.