When I'm Afraid

It was time for my yearly mammogram in December, but I waited until January.  December is busy.  So on the last Friday in January I went in, and on the second Friday in February I was back for my second mammogram.  I was told I had microcalcifications, which are normal, unless they aren't.  80% of the time they're normal.  Not to worry!  But I did.  I was going to have to have a biopsy.

The day after my second mammogram I woke up and started typing words into my phone as they came to me.  Words of faith, and courage.  Words, that I added to a bit, and rearranged, and eventually turned into a song.  Words that, when I sing them, help me to have the courage and faith that I want to have.

As I chronicle some of my experiences I hope you will know that I do have faith, and courage, but sometimes I also give in to sorrow, and fear.  Sometimes I just can't wrap my head around what is happening to me and I really want to be in denial -- and on vacation.  What I really thought wouldn't be too big of a deal keeps changing.  Just one more thing.  Then another.  And another.  But I am never alone.  My family and friends surround me.  My Savior does comfort me when I'm afraid, if I let Him.  I have to let go of my fear, and press on knowing that He really is there watching over me, and He can help me be okay no matter what.  When I make myself quit crying, and feeling sorry for myself, and I give my fear to Him, He gives me calm in return.

So here are the words I wrote, and a recording that I made so I wouldn't forget the tune.  I was going to try to do a better recording, but I might never get around to it, click  HOORAY! and enjoy the face I make at the camera, as well as the song.

When I'm Afraid

My Savior comforts me when I’m afraid.

And though it seems sometimes that He is very far away

I trust that He is close, holding me up day by day.

And when the storm beats down, He’s not asleep.

He holds His hand outstretched to me when the path is steep.

And keeps His watch as giant waves come crashing from the deep.

And when I feel so sad and all alone

I think of His great love and all He did so I could come home.

I know that He's with me no matter how far I may roam.

I feel His peace around me when I’m still

And ask for strength and courage to trust Him and do His will.

He helps me to hold on through any sorrow that I feel.

And when I fail again He won’t condemn

He’ll pick me up and help me so that I can start again.

My Savior knows my sorrow and the guilt or pain I’m in.

So when I do not know which way to go

I take a step toward Him and His light makes my path to glow

I know there’s hope because there is no path that He won’t know.

My Savior comforts me when I’m afraid

And I give thanks to Him while on this world that He has made

And trust in Him to guide me through the path that He has laid.

I thank Him for the beauty all around,

The wonder and the happiness in every joyful sound.

I thank Him for the good and lovely things that here abound.

But most of all I thank Him for His love,

For wanting me despite my faults to live with Him above.

In His kingdom filled with joy, and happiness and love.

Helping and Being Helped. Loving and Being Loved.

It seems like we always want to be the ones who are helping.  We do not want to depend on other people.  We want to be self sufficient.  I know that I want to do the work that I consider mine.  At least a part of me wants to handle my challenges without anyone else being bothered, or worrying.  But I have tried this before, and it is hard, and lonely.

I am currently in a situation where I have needed help, and where I know that I will need more.  I have what I like to call a mild case of breast cancer.  Very curable.  Just not fun or convenient.  I told somebody that I was going to have to let people help me more than I want to.  The helper is the strong one -- right?  Don't I want to be the strong one?  (Yes!  I do!)

It struck me today that perhaps I should think of helping and being helped more as loving and being loved.  Is it really a weakness to be loved?  Does it make me less of a person that people care enough for me to want to make my life easier, or more manageable?   Aren't I helping too, when I really appreciate what people do for me?  When I love them for loving me so well?  When I want to help them just like they help me?

I think, when we change how we look at it, helping, and being helped can be loving and being loved, and loving each other is what life is about.

This is my elephant that I haven't yet named -- much to Dan's disappointment.
A friend gave him to me so I'd have something to snuggle in hard moments.
Ha!  Maybe I should name him Snuggles!