It's Okay to say No!

 

When my girls were young, and I spent a lot of time with my friend Shannon, Derek would occasionally help us practice saying no.  I think he saw and heard how busy we were, and knew that we were inclined to sign every volunteer sheet that came by.  I have a lot of friends and family who have this same inclination, and who accomplish many good things.  I have been known to feel guilt if I pass by a sign up sheet without adding my name to it, but I have learned that sometimes it really is okay to do that.  Sometimes saying no is the right thing to do.

I have learned, before signing up to help with something, or volunteering, that I should think about it in relation to my priorities.  For example, will saying yes take me away from my home at times where I feel it is important that I am present?  I like to be home when my kids are going and coming.  If saying yes takes me away at those times then I'm more inclined to say no -- depending on if it is a one time thing, or a regular thing that I am agreeing to. 

I have even learned to take into consideration what I like to do.  I have been a room mother several times and I finally figured out that I really hate that job.  Even after I knew this, I agreed one more time because nobody else would do it, but I avoid being the room mom if possible.  I do like to help though, and so I decide in what ways and at what times I can help at school, and I am happier.  I don't mind helping with parties, and I love to help kids read, or spell, or write, or even do math (as long as it's pretty basic math).

As with everything, there needs to be a balance.  If I say yes to every opportunity to help, I get frantically busy, tired, and cranky.  If I don't say yes enough, then I miss out on opportunities to make a positive difference, feel guilty, and not very useful.  Not everything that I agree to do needs to match my schedule perfectly and be something I like to do, but I have learned that it is okay to consider those things because when I'm not frantically busy, tired, and cranky I am obviously happier, and that helps my family to be happier too.

Give a Miracle

image from www.values.com

Written on my white board in big green letters is the word GIVE.  My friend Marcy comes up with one word a year to represent her goals or resolutions.  I like this idea, and thought I would like to pick a word too.  There are obviously many words I could have chosen and benefited from, but this one felt right for now.  The question is, what and how should I give?

To come up with ideas I thought of the many times that people have given to me.  I have realized that often, without even knowing it, those who have helped me have created a miracle in my day.  For example, in The Multiplication of Smiles I mentioned that one girl's kind comment and cheery smile turned my day around.  Her thoughtful act has continued to influence my thinking, and has changed my life for the better.

Another night I was walking to campus in the dark for a late class.  A girl came up beside me.  I did not know her, but she struck up a conversation with me.  She asked me questions and seemed genuinely interested.  I went from feeling a little lonely, to feeling that my thoughts mattered to someone.  It made such a difference in my outlook that I have remembered, and been thankful for this stranger for many, many years.

There are so many ways that people have given to me.  I remember my Mom giving a listening ear, and compassion as I fought homesickness the first night in a new place.  I remember my Aunt giving me a comforting hug after I had been in an accident on the way to her house.  I remember neighbors tending children, offering money, and willingly watering the patch of yard we never got to.  I have been given notes, and email, and the benefit of the doubt.  I have been given friendship, food, love, ideas, perspective, and wonderful things.  Each of these gifts, and more that I have not listed, have been a miracle to me.  These gifts have helped to lift me up when I was down, and to heal the hurt from the sorrows and worries I was dealing with on that day.

I like the idea of giving.  The kind of things I have been given, I can give to someone too.  Everyone has something large, or small, that they can give every day.  We may never know the result of the things that we give, but it is possible that when we choose to give, we will be giving someone a miracle.

Remembering my "Sweet Boy" Dan

Trisa was almost 16 when Dan was born.  She and our other kids were worried that something would go wrong when their baby brother was born, so Derek made sure to call their schools as soon as possible to let them know all was well.  We found Trisa's note this weekend still pinned to the bulletin board she left behind when she went to college.  It read, "9:30 Her brother was born & is fat and healthy".  This was true and was a relief to all of us.  He was my biggest baby, and the Dr. thought he looked muscly when he was born.

I have often mentioned that I had decided I was just going to enjoy this baby.  In my mind he would be perfectly healthy, and fairly stress free.  Then he had Torticollis which made his head fall one direction and led to him always laying the same way and making his skull funny shaped.  Then we found out he was allergic to milk, and eggs, and peanuts.  Then we discovered he had asthma.  I kept mourning my plan to have a perfectly healthy, no problem baby, but I did not give up on my plan to enjoy him, and Dan is easy to enjoy.

I like this description from my journal:  Dan "is such a fun little boy.  He gets into everything and I call him my Tornado.  He says quite a few real words and lots of pseudo words.  He's very fast at sliding downstairs on his belly and he likes to follow his brothers and sisters down there.  He'll bang on Tia's door and yell for her.  It's cute and pesky to her at the same time.  He's a lot of work, but we aren't really in a hurry for him to grow up either."

One night Dan kept yelling in his room and he wanted to sit on the couch.  He fell asleep there and so I put a blanket on him and went to bed.  At three in the morning he knocked on our bedroom door and said, "I'm all done sleeping on the couch." and so we put him to bed. 

One of his prayers, obviously said while he was looking around, was "Thankful for Kayli, Mom, Jake, Tia, Dad, and not Trisa because she's at college, and Connor ..."  He is actually very thankful for Trisa and has been sad on more than one occasion that she is at college.  He gives her big hugs when she comes home, and is always hoping that this time she'll stay.  He loves Tia too.  She was always so good at talking to him when he was done with Kindergarten, and one of the things that I missed the most when she went to college was her conversations with Dan. 

Dan hasn't stopped saying amusing things yet.  He was explaining to me just the other day how he knew that monsters were real.  He went on and on about that, and his club, and how you get your "powers" after you fight a monster.  He apparently has his powers from fighting an invisible man on the playground.  Enjoying Dan is easy.  He is fun, has great moves (which, unfortunately, he has gotten shy about sharing), loves his family, likes group hugs, and generally lives his life with enthusiasm.  He really is a sweet boy.

Remembering Super Jake

In my journal I described Jake's birth this way:  Jake came out feet first.  I could hear the nurses, "Oh!  Look at those little feet!  And that cute little bottom."  And then, "He's definitely a boy."  Then Jake cried, and me too because I was so happy.

Jake's birthday was very, very happy.  His birth went well, and I felt better after his birth than with any of the others.  These were all blessings, as was the talent of the surgeons who fixed his heart defects, and the family and friends who supported us through it all.  I remember seeing Jake right after his surgery.  He looked so good, and I leaned down and whispered in his ear that I loved him and he should try to get better as fast as he could.  I had the feeling that he understood me, and would do it.  He has always amazed his doctors with how well he has done, and I know that faith and prayers contributed to his quick recovery and continued good health.

Jake started to walk at 9 months old.  He was little and I remember putting him down on his feet at church once and having someone gasp because they thought he was maybe four months old.  He has always had incredible balance and would do dangerous things and be fine.  I liked taking pictures of Jake because he got into so many things.  I wrote, "...he got out a pizza pan and sat on it and he is incredibly pleased with himself when he knows he's being naughty.  It is hard to keep a straight face when he's being so full of glee!"  He liked to fake burp at the table and laugh, and fake sneeze with his sisters.  When he was one I wrote "He climbs anywhere his leg will reach."

Jake loved the "phone, phone" and could be found sitting on my bed with it any time I left the door to my room open.  He loved his shoes because they meant he got to go outside.  He'd give his shoes to someone and lay down and stick his feet up so they would put the shoes on him.  He went most everywhere with me, and was mostly a good shopping buddy, but he thought it was very funny to hide from me, which I didn't enjoy.

Jake hasn't ever been a real fan of food.  It has always been a struggle to get him to eat.  He gagged on everything, and the only thing that seemed to stop that was Derek yelling "don't gag!" at him.  We tried to get some nutritional food down him, including baby food green beans which Derek nicknamed pond scum.  So one night Jake was saying his prayer and he said "thankful I could eat carrots, pond scum, and dananas" (bananas).

 

Jake wasn't great at sleeping either.  I don't think he slept through the night much until he was five.  Once he wasn't sleeping and he yelled "I scary, I scary!"  He's really not a scary boy.  He is compassionate, and kind.  He's an excellent brother and he's smart too.  We are thankful for Super Jake.

Remembering "The Bigg" Connor

Connor with his Great Grandma Heelis

I was not awake when Connor was born.  The anesthesiologist used something to put me to sleep just like she had when Trisa was born.  This time the epidural had gone into my blood stream and we came close to losing our little Connor.  Thankfully, I missed that part.  The first time I saw him he was screaming up a storm on his way to the ICU for his lungs.  His screaming reassured me that he would be fine, and he was.  That first night my nurse wheeled me to the ICU so that I could hold him.  I held him for about an hour.  I remember that, as I admired him, he looked into my eyes for a really long time.  The look he gave me was so trusting that it was a bit disconcerting! 

Connor was (is) much loved by his family.  I remember that when he cried his sisters would come and say, "Mom!  Connor is crying!"  I would explain that I knew that and would get him in a minute.  This was very distressing to them.  He was crying and I should get him right NOW!

Trisa and Connor



Connor was a big boy and so his Dad nick named him "The Bigg".  He is not called that anymore and, at 14 he just wishes he were big.   People who knew him as a baby, and don't see us often, will see him and say, "Oh my goodness, it's The Bigg!"  Connor always looks a little confused, but it makes us smile.

On Feb. 20, 2000 I wrote "Connor is funny during prayers sometimes.  For a while we all had troubles keeping our eyes closed during prayer because he was so fun to watch.  Once he had a book... and he was kneeling with it in front of him.  He'd close his eyes and fold his arms and then open them a little and quickly turn the page and then close them really tight and then squint at the book again.  He was trying to be reverent and read a book too.  It is always fun to see such a little boy kneeling down and folding his short little arms across his round belly."

I love the complements that Connor used to give me.  I wrote down the ones he gave me when he was three and I was eight months pregnant with Jake.  Once he said "Nice dress Mom! (pause) You look funny!"  Another time I was putting on eye liner and he asked what I was doing.  I tried to explain that it was supposed to make my eyes look better.  "Oh" he said, "Mom, you look pretty in that dress with those eyes!(pause) And you brush your teeth good too. (another pause) I brush my teeth good too!  My personal favorite though was another day when he said "Mom you look nice!  How did you get that dress on?"  Those complements made up for the time I came out of my room and he fell down on the floor laughing because he thought I looked funny.  If he did that now he'd be in big trouble! 

 Connor sang too and I loved what he thought songs said. When he'd sing We Wish You a Merry Christmas he'd say "tidings we bring and you and my skin".  I didn't correct him.  It was too funny.  But Kayli taught him the right words.  Sigh.  I guess he had to learn sometime.  I do miss "The Bigg" but the older Connor is really great too.  He's still sweet, and funny, and smart -- but he doesn't spend as much time making car noises -- he just drools on cars because he likes them.

The Bigg

Remembering Little Kayli

Kayli has had a few nicknames in her lifetime.  She was "Kicky Kayli" for a while.  She was really funny when she was a baby and would not put weight on her legs.  If you picked her up she would hold her legs up and refuse to put her feet down.  She loved to kick her legs though.  We had a wood floor, and she would use her legs to turn herself in circles.  It was very cute, and she did eventually decide she should learn how to stand, and walk.

Kayli was also "Clicky Kayli" because she loved to play on the computer and was constantly clicking things with the mouse.  She was not so into computers that she was anti-social.  When she was almost two I wrote "Kayli is very good at talking and has the best manners of any one year old I've met."  She did confuse yes and no which is common at that age.  If she meant yes, she would say no in a happy way. 

When Kayli was little I was blessed to be able to spend lots of time with my friend Shannon, either on the phone, or at one of our houses, or off on adventures.  So, when Kayli played with a phone she would say "Hello.  Shannon?"  Kayli absolutely adored Shannon.  I remember Shannon coming in the house once and us barely catching Kayli in time as she dove out of my arms trying to get over to Shannon.  Once I ran out of fruit snacks and told Kayli we didn't have any.  She said "Shannon's house?  Fruit snack?"  She knew that Shannon was rarely out of fruit snacks, and that Shannon would give her more than one package -- unlike her mother.

One day I was taking a shower and I could hear Kayli yelling something at me.  She was knocking on the door saying "I want to watch a movie, dang it!"  It sounded more like "Dane it".  Another day she came in to my room and said "Dang it!  I forgot to put something on my wips!" 

Kayli had a friend named Shania she spent lots of time with.  Once they were over here and there were ants crawling around on our dining room floor by the back door.  Shania went to smash them and Kayli said "Don't smash them!  Don't smash them!"  Shania said, "Dem's bugs!"  Kayli said, "No they're not!  They're HUNGRY!  No!  Don't let them outside!"  What a good Kayli I have -- though I'm pretty sure she'd be okay with smashing the ants now (with apologies to her cousin Emma).

Kayli wearing those same socks that Trisa loved!

Tia and Megan

Megan and Tia dressed up for Tia's two person birthday party.

Megan, Tia, and Megan's turtle speedy.  It's good to have friends.

Remembering Little Tia

Tia and her Grandpa F.

I almost bought a baby doll the other day because it reminded me of Tia.  It was slightly larger than the average baby doll and was soft and round and had the cutest smile on its face.  I actually carried it around the store for a while feeling nostalgic.  Tia was my smallest baby when she was born, and she didn't smile at me until she was three months old, but she became a round, smiley little girl.  Just thinking about our "little" Tia can still make those who remember those days smile.

Tia was easy going, and liked a schedule.  She took two two hour naps a day for quite a while, and when she would wake up, she would just play happily in her crib until I went to get her.  At three Tia slept as much during the day as baby Kayli.  When she was in Kindergarten she would come home really tired, and if she watched a movie she'd fall asleep.  She decided she was too big for naps though, and so she started refusing to watch a movie after school, and that was the end of Tia's naptime.

Tia was a very snuggly little girl, and when she was three I wrote, "She is still round and still likes to rock-a-bye.  When she is sad she often 'wants a song!'  She has been confused in the past when Kayli wouldn't cheer up even when Tia sang Twinkle Star to her."  Singing to Tia was a really good way to cheer her up and make her feel better.  She loved to sing "ABCDEFG" and "dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh".  (She apparently didn't use the more traditional short names of those songs for a while).

This bench was not meant for real people, but Tia loved it.

Tia had a friend (Megan) when she was three.  She would talk to Megan on the phone, and go and play at her house, and that made them both happy.  On Tia's birthday they both dressed in pretty dresses for the party.  Tia, like Trisa, liked twirly dresses.  Dresses were most appreciated if the skirt would twirl out.  I think that made dancing more fun.

This is Trisa and Tia in their cow dresses.  They weren't twirly dresses, but they were fun.

 



Tia had the cutest little squeaky voice.  I love to listen to it on the videos we have of her.  Tia did sometimes get grumpy and then we would call her "grumpy bear", but her more regular nick name was "huggy bear".  I wrote that "Tia can be a little thunder cloud or she can be the brightest of sunshine".  Thankfully, she tended more toward sunshine.  She still does. 

Smiley Tia

Remembering Little Trisa

One of my favorite memories is from the hospital after Trisa was born.  I had a c-section, and walking (well, moving) was very hard for me, but somehow I had managed to get out of my bed, pick up Trisa, and make it to a rocking chair.  I sat there and sang to her "Oh hush thee my baby, a story I'll tell, how little lord Jesus on earth came to dwell ..".  There, with a baby who was right from heaven, singing about Jesus, the most wonderful, peaceful, loving feeling filled the whole room.  It was so strong, that I was sure that when the nurse walked in, she must have been able to feel it.

As Trisa grew she came to love outside.  She used to pound on our apartment door and yell "Side!  Side!" just hoping we would take her outside.  We lived in downtown SLC at the time, and we had one car.  We did have a stroller, and I would put Trisa in it and walk blocks, and blocks, to the library.  I don't remember her ever being bad on a walk.  She would lean back, prop her foot up on the bar of the stroller, and enjoy being in her beloved outside.

 Trisa was not blessed with a mother who did hair very well, but that did not stop her from being beautiful.  She loved to wear dresses.  The journal I wrote for her said, "...your Aunt Tina gave you a dress.  The following Tuesday you wanted to wear it to school.  You got so much attention from wearing it that you insisted on wearing a dress all week long.  You looked as cute as could be..."

Trisa had a favorite outfit when she was about two.  Her Grandma C. had given her a pink shirt with a heart on the front which matched the floral purple pants she had.  She loved to wear this, but especially if she could roll up her pants to her knees and wear her pink knee socks.  She loved to show off her socks, and I liked to let her because it made her happy.

Trisa liked to sing lots of songs, and read piles of books.  Even before she could really read, her journal says she would pick up a book and appear to be reading it, but if you payed attention you would notice that the story she was telling had pieces in it of the conversations that were going on around her.

Trisa helped a lot with Tia.  She would get Tia's "little tiny diapers" and when Tia cried Trisa would use a funny voice to say "Oh Tia, Tia, Tia, don't be sad Tia, oh Tia..."  Later, when Tia could sit up, Trisa would carefully drag Tia around by her feet (across the wood floor) so she could play with her.  Sometimes she'd drag her right into her room, and Tia always seemed to enjoy her chance to play.

Trisa was independent.  We heard a lot of "My do it!"  She also had such grown up sounding expressions that it was hard to remember how little she was sometimes!  She loved animals.  She used to hold out her hands to the birds in the back yard and try to get them to come.  "Here bird!  Here bird!"  She would chase them, and cry when they flew away.  She loved them and couldn't understand why they wouldn't stay and let her hold them.

Trisa is fun, and kind, and thoughtful, and enthusiastic, and smart.  She was all of those things when she was little too.  There are so many wonderful things to be remembered about little Trisa!

A Way to Remember

I have been a journal writer for many years.  My journal is like a friend.  I can pour out my frustrations, or my worries.  I can talk about the things I am excited about in long, boring, drawn out detail.  I have many journals filled with non-important information, like who everyone danced with at the dances I went to as a youth. Yawn!  As I got older I came to realize that there are two things that  I really enjoy going back to read.  The first is all of the cute things that my children do, and our important family events.  The second is the spiritual experiences I have, or the blessings I've been given.

When my oldest daughter was a baby she wasn't always good at sleeping through the night.  I got to hold her a lot in the night time, which wasn't always a bad thing.  I remember sitting on the floor of her room holding her while she slept.  I love her so much, and I remember wishing that I could hold on to every detail of that moment forever.  There are so many perfect moments in life, and children say the cutest things!  Unfortunately, I have found that even if I tell myself "I will remember this forever", I won't unless I have written it down.  I am so thankful for those things I did manage to get into journals so that I could remember them later.  They allow me to enjoy those perfect moments again.  I will share some of those with you in the next few days.

I find the second kind of journal really helpful when I am having a hard day, or I feel like I haven't felt any inspiration for a long time.  I get my journal out and am reminded about the things that I have learned, and maybe forgotten.  I am reminded that Heavenly Father has answered my prayers before, and so I know that He will again.  This has been a blessing to me on many occasions, and is a good source for my Inheritance Project.

Not everyone likes to write, and pictures can work almost as well, but even if you write down just a few things, or a few blessings, you will be glad.  It is a good way to remember.

Dan Says....

...If we make a bad promise, we don't have to keep it.  Like, if we promise not to believe Heavenly Father.

Jake and Dan in their new aprons.

I Was Not to Blame

Many years ago Derek and I were expecting our first baby.  I had always wanted to be a Mom. I had worried for years that I might never be able to be a Mom.  And now we were expecting!  And then, 13 weeks along, we found out that our baby had only lived 8 weeks.  We were so sad, and so disappointed.  Along with those feelings, I also felt like it was my fault.  I mistakenly thought that I must have done something wrong, and God must be punishing me, or that I just lacked faith, and that was the problem.

Derek kindly explained to me that God is not like that, but I was having a hard time getting past the feeling that this happened because I was somehow lacking.  What I wanted was a good thing, right?  Why would I not be getting what I wanted if it was a good thing?

Not too long after the miscarriage, Derek and I attended a fireside where Elder Neal A. Maxwell spoke.  I think our loving Heavenly Father sent him to speak to me.  He told me that, if nobody needed a Savior in the whole world but me, Jesus still would have come down and suffered what He needed to in order to save me.  He knows my name.  He knows my sorrows, my wants, my weaknesses, my sins, and He still loves me.

When I left that fireside I understood better than I ever had, that hard things are a part of life, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus are sad when I am sad, and are there to help me when I ask.  Some problems may never be fixed in this life, but that is not because our Father loves us any less than he loves anyone else.  He loves us so much, and believes in us so much, that He believes we can handle hard things and remain faithful. I learned that, in the case of my miscarriage, I was not to blame.

When Talking to Yourself --- Be Nice!

Picture from www.healthylifestyleplus.com

I like to think I am a nice person.  I like people.  I do not judge them harshly.  I'm a lot more inclined to make up good excuses for them than to think badly of them.  I notice the good things they do, and can see their potential for good.  So, it was a bit of a shock to realize that I was not extending the same courtesy to myself.

I went through a period of time where I was quite depressed.  I always felt ugly, and not very smart.  I felt like I was bad at everything.  I couldn't figure out how to get out of that slump until I realized that the biggest part of the problem was that I never said anything nice to me.  When I looked in a mirror I pointed out all of my flaws.  When I didn't make dinner, or had a messy house, or didn't exercise, I berated myself.  So, I came up with a plan to break that bad habit.  Every time I realized I had said something negative, I made myself come up with something positive about me to replace it.  This made a big difference.

Once, I walked into my room and saw my usual stack of books and papers by my bed and said, "I'm a mess!"  I immediately realized what I had done and said, "I mean, look at all of the good things that I am working on!"  There is almost always another way to look at things, and if I thought hard enough I could always come up with something positive I could have said instead -- even when looking in the dreaded mirror.

I did this for quite a while.  Sometimes I felt really silly.  Even when talking to myself in my head, it still felt kind of funny to give myself a complement.  One day at church I remember correcting a negative thought and laughing.  I really felt better when I was nice to myself.  That was the last time I remember consciously working on it.  The habit had, at least mostly, been broken.

It is easy to fall back into any bad habit, including this one.  So, it is good for me to be reminded that when I talk to myself I should be nice.  This is true for you to.  When you are talking to yourself, please BE NICE!