Keeping A Promise

 Quite a while back I promised to finish the pictures of our house by adding the upstairs.  It seemed a bit difficult since we live here and upstairs holds the children's (mostly grown up children) rooms.  I didn't think they'd appreciate me taking pictures without warning.  I finally got smart and had them take the pictures.  The upstairs bathroom and closets are still missing, but if you really want to see it then text me or come on over.

Kayli's Room

Jake's Room

Dan's Room

This one and the next two are the upstairs game room.

We have lived in our house almost a year now.  We love it.  There is always something beautiful to see!  We've been working really hard on the yard.  The front yard is almost done. It has been a lot of work!  We do miss seeing our friends and are still working on making new ones.  I hope all is well with you.

Am I Really Enough?

 

Teddy and me after one of our morning walks.

Have you ever had someone tell you that you are "enough" and immediately, inside your head, you hear, "They don't really know me", followed by all of the ways that they are wrong.  I have.  I know what they are trying to say, but I get this uncomfortable feeling as I list things in my head.  I am not patient enough or energetic enough.  I don't make dinner enough, or help others enough.  I don't spend enough time listening to my family and friends.  There are plenty of ways that I don't feel "enough" on any given day.  So it was with some relief that I heard Sadie Robertson Huff say in her audio book Live On Purpose, "I am enough because God is Enough".  

Trying to be "enough" on our own often looks like perfectionism.  We get it in our heads that we will be enough when .... and we work really hard at everything until we are too tired, or too discouraged and a little too convinced that there is no such thing as enough.  

I love my Savior and it is really only through Him that I am ever truly "enough".  He paid the price for every bout of impatience.  He paid the price for my sins.  He also experienced, through the Atonement, what it feels like to feel so very flawed.  He has compassion for me, and knows how to strengthen me, and help me to learn.

I am determined that next time I hear that I am enough, I will not list all of my flaws in my head.  Instead I will add that I am enough because of Jesus.

Marching Onward: The March Report

March had 2 words to contemplate.  Capable and Create.  My goal was to practice helping others -- and believing I am capable of helping.  I was to create time to serve others, and to spend time with God.  Create beauty, meals, fun.

Alas, April's goal would have worked better for March since it is to cultivate the skill of asking for help when it is needed.  Sigh.  In March I got Covid -- for 10 days!  Then I was depressed and had what I describe as a "zingy headache".  My wrist started hurting somewhere in there and eventually my thumb and the inside of my arm.  I went to Dr. Google and discovered that I have De Quervain's Tenosynovitis.  I acquired a brace to hold my thumb and wrist still on my right hand.  I am right handed!  Naturally my left thumb now hurts so I try to pretend it doesn't.  I'm not good at that kind of pretending.  I'm learning to hit the space bar exclusively with my left thumb though and doing that doesn't hurt.

With my headache, my heart was also often out of rhythm, but I did get a couple of day reprieve before it was time to prepare for my colonoscopy.  Ugh!  A gallon of disgusting drink to swallow while hanging out in or near the bathroom.  Luckily the nurse suggested I have a good tasting drink nearby to hurry and drink after a swallow of yuckiness.  I would not have been able to gag that down without some Ginger Ale.  I did get done a bit earlier than expected.  If I know I have to do something I don't like, I try to get it done as quickly as possible.  I went to bed and slept until my alarm went off and then went to the hospital with Derek.  All went well and I slept pretty much all of Friday.  It's a little freaky to not remember ever getting into a wheelchair or into the car -- or really into the house!

I don't think I practiced helping others much but my family helped me! I spent a lot of time talking to God in my head.  Probably some of it was whiny even though Jesus suffered way worse for me!  I doubt I created many meals, or much fun, but I did decorate the house for Easter -- with some help from Jake and Dan.  There were other good things strewn throughout March that helped me stay mostly ok.

The day after my colonoscopy I didn't feel great but Sunday was a good day.  Then .....  the flu.  At least the doctor who did my colonoscopy thought so when I called him.  Having a fever and achy joints and head is actually worse than drinking a gallon of yuckiness!  Today I finally feel fairly normal except for feeling a little weak and shaky.

So on to April.  I'm so done with March!

Imagine: February's Report

Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash

 You don't actually have to imagine what my February report is.  I'll give it to you.  Imagine was the word I was to contemplate in February.  My goal was to have activities at the ready (for when people come over) and to try at least 4 new ones.  I was to use my imagination to create solutions to problems, and to make plans (for the yard / garden / blog / family / etc.).   Hmmmm.  I was always an ambitious goal maker!  So the report will really be me looking back at my calendar to see what I actually did and to use my imagination to find ways I may have actually accomplished at least some of my goal!

First, I imagine I at least considered trying four new activities -- but I didn't actually try any of the games or other activities I thought I might.  I did try having a snack out for a friend who was coming to do a craft with me.  I felt like that was a hospitality success for me since I usually wouldn't have thought of that.  Or, I would have over thought it until I didn't do it!  This isn't a big thing.  But perhaps without studying up and thinking about hospitality I wouldn't have done it.

Next.  To imagine solutions to problems you must first have some.  I am not going to report that I didn't have any.  That would be false.  I just used my imagination to forget them I guess!!

February was the month of all of the medical check ups.  I only cried at one and I imagined I could say what I wanted to say without doing that.  Epic fail!  February was also a month where I finally got a man that worked at Agape to smile at me.  Of course Agape is closed down now but it made my day that he smiled at me after all of my efforts to smile and say hello every time I saw him.  I was helping him that day and working together can make a big difference in how someone sees you.

So that is the February report now that it is April!  February was a mostly lovely month!

The Ideal, The Real, and Grace

Picture by Robert T. Barrett
used by permission from churchofjesuschrist.org

 I've been reading a book called Just Open the Door by Jen Schmidt and I had a moment of clarity as I read her stories of sharing God's love through hospitality.  She spoke of giving hospitality when they were broke, and life was hard.  She spoke of inviting young Mom's to "come as you are" and sharing with each other the struggles and successes of being mothers of young children.  She shared her stories of being real.  She says:

"...sharing our mess unwraps the hidden gem of our message.  When we tear down walls and acknowledge our need for grace in our hard moments, His [Jesus'] name is elevated....Sharing our stories can point to Him.

We are taught the ideal so that we know what to reach for, but everyone lives in the real.  We can't expect of ourselves or others that we will be the ideal person.  And we don't need to look like the ideal person either.  Jesus came not because we can reach ideal on our own, but because we can't.  He came to help us through our lives.  Our real lives.  To give us grace, and to lead us through the truth that His word gives.  If we share our real, we can also share how Jesus came to us with grace -- or we can ask others how they have endured until they could see His grace.  Being our real selves gives us the opportunity to bring our Savior into the conversation.  He is the Ideal that we are reaching for,  and He loves us as we are.  He loves the real us and gives us grace.

The Outside of my Friendly Blue House

 

I have been slow posting these.  We love our blue house.  We plan on adding a couple of window boxes sometime.  We have a long list of projects though so I'm not sure when it will happen!

President's Day. 4 Years and All is Well

Four years ago today I got the results of my biopsy and found out I had breast cancer.  Just a little bit -- but even a little bit of breast cancer is treated fairly aggressively -- especially if it is hormone receptor positive (in my case, for both estrogen and progesterone).  That just means that my cancer was "fueled" by hormones.

Since my cancer was stage 0 and there was pretty much 0 percent likelihood that I would die from it, I often struggled with guilt over the fact that having cancer was hard -- especially because I had a friend who was dealing with a much more aggressive form of breast cancer at the same time.

I found the biopsy traumatic and somehow violating.  I got a huge bruise and an infection from that and remember being angry at the doctor who was happily chatting at the desk while I was suffering inside a room waiting for him.  The medicine I got then made me so sick that I had to stop taking it and get another one.  That bruise later caused some some concern that maybe there was more cancer than they thought, but thankfully the Dr. decided close to surgery time not to require a mastectomy.  She was thankful -- as was I -- when it turned out that all of my cancer was actually removed during the biopsy!

Still, I wasn't done with treatment.  There were weeks of radiation to get through, and a full hysterectomy, and then medicine to remove any extra estrogen in my body that might fuel any other cancer cells that could show up.

With all of that, and the extra depression caused by the lack of estrogen, there was also so much to be grateful for.  There were so many tender mercies!  There were my immediate family members and our large extended families.  There were friends that were so concerned about me that I had a more clear idea of how much I matter to people.  There was a poem by a friend delivered at just the right moment.  There were my cute Primary children who smiled at me and sat by me at church when I was having a hard time.  There were health care workers who made me feel so good about my efforts to be a happy and thoughtful patient.  

I had one friend who took me for a drive and shared information that helped me feel more calm and at peace.  There were blessings reminding me that I am not a burden -- even if I sometimes felt like one.  There were lunches to share -- brought by friends and family, there were notes, and so many beautiful flowers.  There was even a cousin dealing with the same thing that made me feel like I was the brave one -- when I thought she was!  There were enough good things that I can't list them all.  

It is good for me to remember that in life there are hard things.  Even if my hard things don't measure up to how hard of a thing I think someone else is dealing with, it doesn't take away from the fact that I am struggling.  It is also good for me to remember that in every hard thing I have faced, there have been loving and kind friends, and tender mercies that make everything bearable, and help me move through things better than I expected.

How Do We Choose What To Give?

I figured a Christmas picture would work with the topic of giving!

For Christmas I got a book called The Intellectual Devotional.  It covers 7 different subjects and rotates through them.  One page for every day of the year.  One of the pages was about Cain and Abel from the bible.  This version was a written a little differently than the KJV of the Bible and it made me think.  Here is the quote:

"It is said that Abel thought very hard about what kind of sacrifice would make God happiest.  He decided to sacrifice one of his precious lambs.  Cain, on the other hand, thought only about what he needed least.  He sacrificed some fruit and grain.  God clearly preferred Abel's sacrifice."

This made me think about my giving.  We know from Matthew 25:40 that anything we do (or don't do) for anyone is like doing it to God himself.  So when I help others do I stop and think about what God would want me to do for them the most?  Or do I think of how I can help in the least inconvenient, and most enjoyable way for me?  I know I have a hard time pushing myself out of my comfort zone, but what if doing so would be the most helpful thing for someone -- and therefore the most helpful thing for God? 

I'm sure we often do good things without thinking of God at all and that's not all bad!  At least we are giving!  But I hope to not ever choose to give only the thing that is the least inconvenient, the easiest and most comfortable thing to give.

Trisa, Dan and Jake

Derek's legs, Kayli and Bryce.  Chewy is the Golden Retriever and Teddy is wearing his plaid.

Deliberately Grateful

Kayli with Grandpa C.
Kayli is very grateful for grandparents!

 For every month of the year that I have Home and Hospitality as my goal, I chose a word to contemplate.  This months word is "deliberate" -- as in deliberately grateful, not deliberating what to be grateful over!  

When I was growing up, we had a blessing on the food every time we ate.  I think this is a good idea.  Unfortunately, I know that I at least, got really good at rolling the same prayer out before every meal and then complaining that I didn't like the food that had been prepared and I wanted a peanut butter sandwich instead.  Or maybe I said the prayer in a hurry, and hardly tasted the food as I swallowed quickly and got on to the next thing.  It is so easy to get so used to something that you don't really pay attention to it anymore!

I still get caught in this trap at meal times.  Do I stop to realize how many people in the world don't have 3 meals a day -- let alone snack time?  Do I think about what it took to grow the food, or get it to the store, or prepare it? Do I take each bite with gratitude for the plenty that is around me?  Do I savor the food, or eat it without thought?  Do I say I am grateful without taking the time to actually BE grateful?  I am often guilty of all of these things.

There are a lot of things we can be deliberate about, but I don't know if any of them will help us feel joy as much as being deliberately grateful.  Through many, many experiences in the last years, I have found that being grateful was the solution to my sadness or worry.  It changes my perspective, and my focus. It allows me to want to share, to have energy for giving, and to notice good things even during hard times.  It is my plan to be deliberately grateful!

It is super easy to be grateful for Brigham!!!!

This Hospitality Is For The Birds

These wild turkeys are the biggest birds our bird feeders attract.  They come because the other birds are messy and drop a lot of seed onto the floor. 

These little birds are, I think, house sparrows.  They show up in big groups, though it's hard for me to get a picture of the big group.  They see me move when I go to hold up my camera and they take off.  I spend a lot of breakfasts watching them eat, fly in a circle, and eat again.  They land on each others heads trying to get to the big birdfeeder!

Photo by Mark Olsen on Unsplash

I saw one of these cute birds the other day (a tufted titmouse).  I see mountain bluebirds quite often too.  Apparently they are known for being bird feeder bullies.  All of the other birds leave the bluebirds alone at the feeder most of the time.

I love watching the birds.  They are funny, entertaining, and beautiful.  They bring a little good cheer every time I watch them!

Our House: The Main Floor

This picture was taken right inside the front door.
Welcome to our home!

If you ignore the piano room on the left (because it is messy so the barn doors are closed) and you walk forward and take your first left -- you will find the coat closet on the left, and the master bedroom on the right.

Same room.  Different view.

Yet another same room.

This is the view through the master bath to the master closet.  There is a shower behind the door on the right and a nice tub you can sort of see after that.  On the left are two sinks and a toilet room.  In the closet are clothes and books, and other random things.

If you walk straight in from the front door you get to the "great room".  The barn doors above go to the game room.  Notice we have a basketball hoop we can play with -- mostly when Teddy is gone because he loves to play too -- which is not good for our sort of basketballs.  

This is the view from the family room part of the "great room".  This is Mount Loafer.  We watch birds, including turkeys, and deer through these windows.  It's our very own nature channel!

This is our dining room.  I love it!  There is plenty of room for the table to be its largest all of the time so we are ready for guests always, and we still have room to see through and walk out the sliding doors without anything being in the way!  It also has a view on three sides.  What's not to like?

This is our kitchen.  I absolutely love the countertops and pretty much everything really.  Derek and I put in the backsplash over Christmas break.

This is the office / sun room right off the kitchen and dining room.  I have pretty much taken it over and it is one of my favorite places to hang out.  It is where I am creating this blog!  I redid the chair and the bench for a fun project.

This is the family room looking towards the stairs and the coat closet.

The laundry room is great.  On the wall opposite of this picture all of the brooms, mops, and dustpans are hanging.  Almost.  We somehow ended up with extra brooms and dustpans at our new house so some are downstairs or in the garage.  The closet  next to the washer and holds cleaning supplies, and other stuff.

The cupboards with the cow handles are in the mud room area across from the entry to the garage.  The 1/2 bath is decorated by a picture Tia gave me for Christmas a few years ago (she did it with a paint by numbers and I am impressed that she was willing to give me something she worked so hard on!).  I found the rug to match:-)

This is the piano room.  Part of it really.  We've been quarantining for quite a while and the red couch in the piano room has been a sleeping area for poor Derek who got the miserable Covid.  This picture gets a few of the dirty kleenex but I didn't think you needed to see them all!

I added this because you can see the arm of the red couch in the piano room.  I thought I had already taken a picture of the whole thing -- but I can't find it!

When we are done with quarantine and everyone heads off to work again I can more easily get pictures of the upstairs rooms.  I can give you a couple of the unfinished basement and -- of course -- one day the yard won't be muddy and I'll head out to get updated pictures of the outside of the house.  Mine are all old.  I hope this was somewhat helpful to those who haven't been here.  You are always welcome -- when we aren't quarantining.

A Leash On a Snake

 Last night I dreamed that I was trying to put a leash on a snake.  I was afraid of the snake and so I was begging someone else to leash it for me.  That's really all I remember about my dream other than that the snake seemed to travel with me and I was often trying to find it -- though I wasn't sure I wanted to.

Now obviously this isn't a really profound dream.  But as I was trying to think of what to write about today I thought about the little vices we get attached to and justify as ok.  They are not "that bad".  We have control.  Right?  We have leashed our snake and so it is safe to take with us.  Never mind that sometimes leashed things take their owners for walks and not the other way around.  We take them with us wherever we go -- and sometimes they take us somewhere we don't want to go.  We can get to loving our snakes (or vices, or bad habits or sins) so much that we miss them when we try to get rid of them.  We might even keep them even though a part of us is afraid of them.

Now for all of the real snake lovers out there -- I am obviously not talking about real snakes.  I would never try to leash a real snake.  Especially a poisonous one!  It is a good idea though for me to look at what I think and do and see if I am carrying around with me some kind of "snake" that I think I have control of -- but which is really not good for me to keep!  

Moments

I enjoyed finding the deer, hidden in the snow.

There are moments that really don't go well.  Communication is bad, and feelings are hurt.  As people, we don't always agree with one another.  We have hidden hurts that make us more vulnerable than people might think.  We try to put on a happy front, and to just be okay.  Okay that we were misunderstood, or are misunderstanding.  Okay to not agree with people we love.  Okay with feeling attacked, when perhaps someone was really trying to help.  These are the hard moments.  These are the moments when we feel like hiding, or lashing out, or eating piles of ice cream and watching our favorite show!

Thankfully there are other moments.  Moments of feeling better than we expect.  Moments when people reach out in gratitude for some small thing that we did.  There are moments when we "run into" a friend when we didn't expect to, and they are so happy to see us.  There are hugs from family, and unexpected laughter. Sometimes there is even help when we need it, but didn't want to ask for it.  I also like the moments when we are reminded that God gives us grace, which allows us to move forward, finding peaceful moments again.  

I try hard to keep my focus on the good moments, not to hide from the hard things, but to gather strength for the challenges ahead.  Even in the hard moments, it is helpful to know that it is really only a moment.  Time will move on, and there are better moments ahead!