Who Am I Trying To Be?

 

A picture I took on a fairly recent walk.

This morning was one of those unfortunate ones where I woke up feeling sad, lonely, and frustrated.  That is NOT my favorite way to be!  I listened to some beautiful music, looked at the beautiful world outside, and started asking myself what I was believing about me?  Have I been showing up the way I want to?  Of course, it is all a bit complicated because I seem to be able to believe opposite things about myself at the same time sometimes, and I do show up how I want to -- except when I don't!

It hit me this morning that I have fallen into the old pattern of trying to figure out what everyone wants from me or expects from me so that I can please them.  I take the responsibility for their happiness, when I obviously struggle with trying to feel happy myself!  I remembered reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and how she talked about  her rule to "Be Gretchen" and I stopped to write down what it means to "Be Sherie".  

People sometimes talk about not worrying what others think of you, only what God does.  This is great, and I realized that God created me.  He likes my personality.  He likes my smile.  He likes that I enjoy being silly.  He likes that I want people to be happy, even though He knows that I can't "make" them that way.  He created me to like words, and to enjoy putting them together.  He created me to love music, and dancing, to love cleaning (sometimes) and organizing.  He enjoys the fact that I am in awe of the variety of birds and animals and creepy looking, but essential bugs!  

I had such a good time writing about all of the things I enjoy, and all of the good qualities that I work really hard to develop (with the usual up and down success of a human).  It is such a happy thing to think that I am really just trying to be, and enjoy, the way that God created me to be.  I am reminded that it is most helpful to focus on the good.  The good in others.  The good in myself.  The good I can create, and do, and be.  Who am I trying to be?  Sherie.

Creating Questions

 

Photo by Vadim Bogulov on Unsplash

I have found that there are people who are really good at coming up with questions about just about anything or anyone. And then there is me.  I have wondered if I lack curiosity?  Confidence?  Why is it that trying to come up with good questions so often leaves me feeling a bit confounded?  

Last week I had an epiphany that I think is a helpful one for me.  I am a note taker.  I have taken notes at church for almost as long as I can remember.  I took notes at school.  I take notes to remember things and to hopefully stick them somewhat permanently into my mind.  I have even tried to go back and read some of them.  I have been going to church for a long time and my notes usually aren't anything super new to me, though occasionally a bit of inspiration will come and I'll write that.  My epiphany was simply to try a different way of taking notes.

So, during the talks at church last week, I wrote questions.  The questions the speakers were trying to answer.  I ended up writing a lot of questions!  I went back and started answering them today.  Some had obvious answers, but many were actually good questions to think more about.  Hopefully, as I write questions for notes, I will gain greater skill at creating good questions!  This will help me learn more about many things and hopefully about people and situations too.

 

His Loving Voice

Photo by Illiya Vjestica on Unsplash
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them..."

I have been thinking a lot lately about the character of God.  As a human, I have a hard time comprehending what He is like.  As a child I was taught that I am a child of God.  He loves me.  I believed it, and did my best to live like He wanted me too.  Life was black and white to me, and staying in the white just seemed a matter of determination.  I am very determined!

Time marches on and I experienced a lot of different things.  Everyone does.  I experienced how other people treated me, both good and bad.  I experienced people's disappointment and sometimes their anger.  I sometimes have felt that if I weren't a certain amount of good, I would not be loved, and might become completely unwanted.  I let myself and others down, and just could not ever be exactly what I wanted to be or what I felt God wanted me to be.

It is hard, after a while, to not confuse human reactions with how God reacts.  He expects me to do my best so surely He is disappointed when I fail, or frustrated with me when I mess up, right?  He knows I know better.  Is He frowning at me every time I goof?  I don't like being frowned at!  I don't like disappointing people and I certainly don't want to disappoint God!

As life got more complicated I forgot to remember that His ways are not my ways.  His thoughts are not the same as mine.  He gave me free will because He wanted me to learn and to get to choose Him if I wanted to.  At the same time, He is omniscient.  He knows me so well that He knows what I will choose.  He knows the end from the beginning.  I do not surprise Him when I mess up.  He knew I would.  He does not all of a sudden become frustrated or disappointed in me.  He isn't angry at me.  He doesn't want me to go away until I can do better and be better.  Instead He continues to love me.  He reaches His arms out to me with encouragement.  He calls to me, hoping I will hear Him and listen to His loving voice.

Jesus did what He came to do.  He came to save me.  How I love Him for that!  I am so grateful for His love and His encouragement.  I am so grateful that He smiles at me with genuine love, and understanding.  He doesn't get angry when I make mistakes.  In all situations He reaches out His hand and, if I choose to take it, He leads me to a better way.

Where Do I Get My Value?

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

I remember one of my brothers and his wife talking to me about the value of each individual and where it comes from.  They were explaining that our value is unchanging and comes from God.  I believe this, and yet there are times when I have forgotten, and believed something else.  In our complicated world it is easy to think that we are only valuable if...

If we look just right.  If we do "enough".  If we make lots of money.  If we are always available.  If we can walk or run quickly.  If we are married.  If we have children.  If people say nice things about us.  If we keep all of the rules.  If we are "cool".  If we are educated.  If we are talented.  If we own a house.  You get the idea.  Everyone probably has their own things that they have felt, or do feel, give them their value.

Which person has the most value?  Not monetary value, but true worth.  Who is more valuable?  You?  Your sibling?  Your parent?  Your friend?  A politician?  A criminal?  A homeless person?  Your neighbor?  A beggar?  A business owner?  A Janitor?  Who?

If we all have value does that mean that everyone is special?  And if everybody is special does that mean that nobody really is?  I believe we are all equally valuable, and we are also all unique.  This is truly incredible!  Not only are we unique, but we get to make choices.  We can choose to treat ALL others as valuable, or not.  We can choose to bravely realize that we have value and treat ourselves accordingly, or not.  Can you imagine the change for good that would happen if everyone knew their worth?

God created me, and therefore I am valuable.  You are valuable.  You matter.  You are loved.  You are important.  Where do I get my value?  I get it from God.  He made me.  He made you.  He is glad that He did.

Magical Things A to Z

I bought this for myself.  It had a list of
26 magical things and suggested we
make our own list.  This is mine!

A:  Angels, Antiques, Apple Pie a' la Mode

B:  Babies, Birds

C:  Children, Candles, Cake

D:  Dancing, Dreams (NOT nightmares)

E:  Energy to move, Eagles

F:  Fog that can make a whole mountain seem to disappear!  Feathers.

G:  Galaxies, Gardens

H:  Harmony, Humor

I:  Ice Cream, Invisible Ink

J:  Jars, Jokes, Jingle Bells

K:  Kites

L:  Leaves

M:  Music, Massages, Mail (from family or friends), Moon

N:  Names, Nests

O:  Oceans

P:  Paths, Pictures

Q:  Quilts

R:  Rain, Rugs (fluffy ones)

S:  Snowflakes, Smiles

T:  Treats, Trees

U:  Umbrellas -- colorful ones on a gray day

V:  Views, Violins well played

W:  Wings, Weather

X:  Xylophones of course!

Y:  YAYS! (Anything good that happens)

Z:  Ziplines, Zippers, and a Zest for life!

What is Ahead?

One of my interesting attempts at photography.

My friend Shellie asked about my goals for the year and I went a little blank at first.  This is not because I don't have things I want to do, but because I haven't fully formed the ideas in my head.  I am working towards being a guide for the nonprofit "My Story Matters".  The principles taught in class are helpful to me, and I like sharing them with others.  This is stretching me out of my comfort zone (I have to make videos of myself teaching the 12 "harbors" and send them in to the founder before the next step in my training!).  Yikes!  Stretching is good.  I remind myself often.

Picture by Jake (Thanks Jake!)

I have been working on finding ways to get myself moving more often.  I got roller skates for Christmas which will be a great thing if I can keep myself from falling too often!  I've decided I just need to call hiking "exploring" because exploring sounds fun to me, and hiking sounds like work.  I especially like wandering in the woods off trail, and I am hoping to find actual trails that feel a little on the "wild" side instead of the super beaten trail side.  I also want to kayak.  I don't have one -- yet -- but I am saving.  I went with friends the summer before last a couple of times and had so much fun!

I have watched Kirby Heyborne's show "making good" a few times, and am reading a book called "Human Kind:  Changing the World One Small Act at a Time".  All of the times I have listened to, watched, or read things like that I want more and more to do all of the good I can every day.  I do know myself though, and so I need to remember that I can't make ALL of the difference to everyone, or "fix" everything.  I am not Jesus, but I have come to feel His love so much that I really want others to feel it too!  I want to be aware, open to helping, and maybe even take time to be a little creative in finding ways to bring a smile to the faces of people I meet.

I took a picture of this in TX
because it made me smile.

Finally, I made an Instagram account that I called "Yay Today by Sherie K" only all run together.  Instead of the gratitude journal I kept on my nightstand last year and wrote in regularly (though not every day!), I want to post at least one good thing, or "YAY!" for every day.  It's kind of a fun way to work on photography too.  I hope you all can find lots of "Yay!" moments in the year ahead!

A Transformative Year

I took this picture on a trip to Michigan in August 2024

(This is basically a copy of a Christmas letter for Derek's parents and mine)

This has been a transformative year for me and I feel a freedom that is joyful.  I am grateful that life is so full of opportunities to keep learning!  Here are some of the things that have helped me.

1. I have taken the time most mornings to sit quietly and look out my window and consciously look at God’s creations as a gift for me, and to give thanks, and try to focus on God’s love.  The more I have done this the more I have come to feel my importance to Him.

2. From a few sources I learned more about the power of story.  The stories we somehow picked up about ourselves along the road of life can be crippling.  It is important to look at our stories and see if we picked up something that is not true.  Beliefs that are not true are heavy.  They weigh us down and obscure our vision, which makes the truth hard to see.  We have the power to change those old stories to truth. We can act in a way that gets rid of the ways we allowed ourselves, no matter how unwittingly, to be acted upon.

3. In Proverbs it says:  “Where there is no vision the people perish”.  In my class (My Story Matters) we talked a lot about vision.  How are we to become who we want to be if we don’t have a clear vision of what that looks like?  Because of my class, I worked a lot on coming up with a few “power words”  that I use as a “vision statement” so that in any given situation I have something short and quick that I can think of to remind me of how I want to show up.  Naturally my vision statements evolve like I do!

4. I have learned that feelings are not bad.  They are not always fun, but in and of themselves they are really just messengers.  They are a chance to feel curious.  Why is this feeling coming up?  What am I believing?  Is it true?  Any feeling I have is a chance for me to practice acting according to my vision and not allowing myself to use that feeling as an excuse to show up in a way that I will regret later.  Of course, the key word is practice.  The next transformative thing I have learned is…

5. Compassion!  Sometimes I am not going to show up in alignment with my vision.  I am going to mess up.  (Yay repentance!)  As I learned years ago, I am not being condemned by my Savior, and it is not okay to condemn myself.  Instead I can talk to myself with kindness, and practice grace.  It turns out that acting with compassion towards myself is a faster way to change than telling myself how stupid I am!  There is power in I AM!

6. “I am perfectly human”.  “I am completely loved and fully known”.  “God’s love for me is fierce and unending”.  These are words from songs that I have contemplated in the mornings and they give me a greater confidence in God’s love and in myself.  One of the songs I like talks about how I belong to Heavenly Father and He smiled when He made me.  I like to think of Him smiling at me – not with judgment, or disappointment, but with love and confidence.  That is an encouraging thought!

I will end with my current vision statement.

I am cradled in the arms of my Savior and I radiate His light.

I am a beacon of hope.

I am an enthusiastic teacher of truth.

I am the creator of my story.

Gratitude List #3

I have decided to make a slightly random favorites list for today.

1.  Favorite tool:  The drill Derek gave me

2.  Favorite place to shop for lots of bargains:  Deseret Industries in Springville

A painting project I picked up at D.I.

3.  Favorite wild animal that I see out my window:  The wild turkeys.  I have a LOT of pictures!

4.  Second Favorite wild animal:  a tie between baby deer and the giant bucks.

5.  Favorite chef:  Derek (Since I don't love cooking he does a lot and he is fabulous!)

6.  Favorite drink:  lemonade

7.  Favorite shake:  Oreo

8.  Favorite place to visit:  Michigan where my Tia's family is.  Yay grandkids!

9.  Second favorite place I went this year:  Hmmmm.  Maybe Telluride, CO

My chef and main travel companion!

10.  My favorite non turkey bird that I see:  Blue Jay

Photo by Ryan Sanderson
Not taken in Utah:-)

I hope that you have fabulous things to be thankful for too!  I love having a Thanksgiving Day / Month to help me remember to focus on the many things I have to be grateful for!

Gratitude List #2

Dan sometimes watches television from this high perch!

I am thankful that there are good shows to watch while I fold laundry, or when Derek and I are too tired to do much else, or when we just want a good adventure or laugh.   This list is not very all inclusive.  I don't keep a list of what I watch and my memory isn't perfect!  Some shows others would put on their favorites list I would put on my "never watch again" list and I'm sure that the opposite would be true and you will not like all of what I have on my favorites list!  There is beauty in the fact that we are all different!

Favorite Television Shows I've Watched This Year

No Demo Reno -- HGTV -- I like a good home makeover with good people in it.

Making Good -- BYUTV -- This one makes me want to find lots of ways to help people.

High Potential -- The main character is super duper seemingly impossibly intelligent

Home Town --  I had already watched them all and so I watched them all again!

Alex Rider -- I really liked the theme song -- and the show.

Percy Jackson 

Modern Family (It is awkward and it makes me laugh)

Restoring Galveston -- HGTV (A young couple restoring old homes in Galveston)

Homegrown -- Magnolia Network (a nice lady helps people create fabulous garden / yards)

Fixer to Fabulous -- HGTV -- Good home makeovers with nice people again.

The Last Airbender

The Chosen (I am team Jesus!)

Madame Secretary

Tracker

Star Trek Strange New Worlds (The ones I've seen so far)

Favorite Movies Watched in 2024

Enola Holmes Movies (Netflix)

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. -- I like the characters in this one.

Happiness For Beginners

The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Society

The Family Plan (from last year but I watched it this year again!)

Irish Wish

Twisters

I was on a Tom Cruise movie kick and saw quite a few of his again

The Boys in The Boat (I loved the book more but the movie was good)

I'm sure there are a few Hallmark type mysteries or shows that I liked and am not coming up with,

Gratitude List #1

Photo by Alex Block on Unsplash
This looks like a great place to visit!

I am really thankful for good books and magazines to read.  I learn a lot from them, and sometimes just get a nice visit to another place and time with a few laughs along the way!  Magazines give me short inspiring stories, crafts I can do, gift ideas, and more.
Favorite Books That I Read or Listened to in 2024

The Stories We Tell by Joanna Gaines

Better Than Happy by Jody Moore

Carried by Michelle Schmidt

Breath:  The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor

Love Does by Bob Goff

Glucose Revolution by Jessie Inchauspe

Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver

Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (Thanks Bryce!)

Echo Mountain by Lauren Wolk

The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows

Create Anyway by Ashlee Gadd

Virgil Wander by Leif Enger

Choosing Real by Bekah Pogue

The Law of Love by Steve Young

Living the Law of Love by Steve Young

The Gratitude Diaries by Janice Kaplan

All of the Enola Holmes audiobooks by Janice Kaplan

Favorite Magazines

Birds & Blooms (I'm all about the beautiful pictures!)

Magnolia (I like the articles, and the words they pick for each season)

Bella Grace

In Her Garden:  Inspiration for making things grow

The Cozy Issue of Bella Grace

Green Craft (These four magazines are all from Stampington & Company and I don't have subscriptions to any of them.  I just try to find them on sale).

Choose Your Hard

This is my Trisa choosing the hard of climbing through her fear.
She made it to the top and I am very proud of her.
(Belaying her father was apparently equally scary and she did that too!)

The other day I woke up with the words "choose your hard" running through my mind.  This is not as random as it may seem as one of the tools from the "My Story Matters" class uses these words to describe what to do when you run into a problem, or start feeling stuck while trying to create the vision you have for how you want to live.  Naturally, in my vision for  my life I want to be healthy.  This is not something I can always choose, but I CAN choose to take care of this body I have.  This being said, I have been struggling to want to exercise.  To me, that just sounds like work that might end up being painful and exhausting for a while.

When I woke up with the words "choose your hard" in my head, I immediately was able to apply this to exercise.  I can either choose the hard that would come from not strengthening my body through exercise, or I can choose the hard of getting stronger through exercise.  The first choice would likely lead to me having even more restricted abilities to do things, and would cause me to be injured even easier than I am now.  The second will cause me discomfort.  Just doing normal activities like sitting is not always comfortable!  Thankfully, it will also see me getting stronger, having more energy (in the long run), and keeping or expanding my current capabilities.

No matter what has me feeling stuck, it is good to remember that I can choose the hard of staying stuck, or I can choose the hard of making the little steps that will eventually see me unstuck.  Today I chose to start exercising again.  I might find myself stuck in not want to again, but I am hoping to remember to choose the hard that will find me taking care of myself the best I can!

Visiting Michigan

Emily and Grandma
She loved staring at me and smiling.  I loved it!

Kayli and I got to go visit Tia, Mike, Brigham and Emily at the end of August.  SO FUN!!  Tia and Mike are awesome at hosting.  What's not to like about waking up to the smell of bacon!  And having yummy food cooked for you, and fun activities planned for you, plus getting to hang out with fabulous people no matter what (which was the best thing of all)!  Brigham and Emily are SO super cute and it was so fun to see them.  Mike's parents hosted us one day.  We swam in their pool until the storm came and then we went in and had great food and great company.  Mike's parent's are always super great to spend time with too.  They are great hosts.

Kayli with Brigham.  He was a huge fan of having Kayli in the car or truck with him!

It's good to have some awesome noise canceling type headphones when you are
driving your fancy car!

Brigham playing Jenga with Kayli

Blue ice cream for Brigham!

Emily can't wear all of the bows!

Brigham is trying to taste the rain!

Mike, Tia (holding Emily) and Kayli

Brigham and Kayli

Brigham and Mike

Kayli, Mike, Brigham, Tia (holding Emily)

Emily and Brigham

Tia and Emily.  So sweet!

Brigham

Brigham and Kayli (Brigham absolutely adores Kayli)

Emily!  So svelte:-)  
She is such a smiley little girl.

I really miss Tia and Mike and my sweet Brigham and Emily.  It was so fun to see them and now we are counting down until close to Christmas when we hope to see them at the Blue house again!

My Baby is an Adult

Dan turned 18 last week!  My "baby" is an adult and that is a little hard to wrap my head around.  Dan is great but things have changed since he was little!  He used to love to have his picture taken.  It was almost impossible to take one without him being in a dramatic pose!  Now I'm lucky if I get one that isn't of his back or with his hands covering his face.  This one is from this year, but not from his birthday.

Sadly, This is the most recent picture I have of Dan.

I had to put at least one picture of my little Dan!

There are things that are the same about Dan and yet still different.  Dan has always been incredibly creative!  Years ago he liked to occasionally be Police Officer Dan.  We got him a police outfit and he had a voice he used when in character saying "police officer Dan here!"  He was always creating stories where he was some character or another and we could hear him making explosion noises in the other room as he moved around acting them out.  He was "twirly", hardly ever sitting or standing still even while we talked to him.

He is still creative but he is creative on the computer, or ipad, or drawing tablet.  He still creates characters and stories but he does it online with his friends.  He has done some animating that is clever and entertaining.  He has learned a lot about drawing, animating, and games and is quite good at talking about things that go over my head because I don't know all of the vocabulary that goes along with his interests.  

One of the things that hasn't changed about Dan is that he is a good, kind person who is really good at loving his Mom.  We have done a lot together over the years and I am thankful for his encouraging words and hugs.  I enjoy our trips to the library, and our snack runs, and finding places to walk around for a change of scenery.  Happy birthday to my baby turned adult.  I love him!