February 1981 -- 13 Year Old Sadness

This is 1986 at my BYU dorm.  I am holding Ben, my best friend bear.
He was a gift and I loved him.

 "...I'm sad nobody hardly seems to care if I'm alive or not.  I don't see how people kicked out of their homes ever survive.  I doubt I could.  It's bad enough when you think that your little sister thinks you're just a no good teenager who likes to boss people around and not be bothered.  A little brother who probably thinks you to be all too worrysome, bothersome, careful about her stuff, an older sister who probably thinks you brag too much, you are just one big braggy show off and a big brother who, well I don't know, but if I guess he's pretty kind usually.

"Mom and Dad, they're too busy to notice I cry every night, well that's not their fault it's mine.  I do that so as not to bother them with my problems, as if they didn't have enough, I think they have too many, as for myself I don't think I brag.  If I do I don't mean to, I just do my jogging etc. to benefit my own self.  I do like to be careful with my stuff.  I don't mean to boss people around when and if I do I try my best to recognize my faults and correct them.  I've got a number of them I know.  I tend to talk before I think, I don't say morning prayers enough, I am not as good of a leader as I should be, I don't write in my journal enough.  I tend to get grouchy easy and it takes too much to make me happy.

I've heard that Mom and Tina (probably others think the same) think that I'm crazy to treat Ben [my stuffed Teddy Bear] and my stuffed animals the way I do.  I pet them and talk to them.  I listen, they listen when I'm happy they're happy, when I'm sad they're sad." [I then wrote a whole letter that, in a dream, I apparently left when I ran away, which I point out I'd never do.  The letter tried to explain that Ben was a great secret keeper, and listener and was whatever I needed him to be].

"My journal is like Ben, only I write in words to and in it.  I love you Mom, Dad, Tina, Raymond, Jenny, Brian, and I will always.  I hope you always know and understand that."

"I will close telling you Mom is the new seminary teacher.  I know she will do well".