Heaps of Guilt vs. Forgiveness and Compassion

From Google Images

I was reading The Willpower Instinct yesterday while I was walking on the treadmill.  I have found this book to be quite fascinating.  The author was explaining that most humans seem to think that the best way for us to motivate ourselves to improve is to really heap on the guilt when we goof.  If we mess up, we tell ourselves that we are stupid, or weak.  We are bad, or hopeless.

Not only is this super discouraging, but it has the opposite effect than the one we intended.  Those of us who heap guilt and shame on ourselves tend to turn to the very vices we are trying to overcome to sooth our guilt.  This makes us feel better for a minute.  Then it makes us feel guilty.  Then we turn back to the vice we were trying to overcome.  This creates a vicious cycle that leads us deeper into the very behavior we were hoping to guilt ourselves into avoiding.

So what really works? The studies in the book showed that forgiveness is what works.  We forgive ourselves for messing up and try again.  Instead of feeling like one goof made the whole goal hopeless, we cut ourselves some slack and realize that messing up is a part of learning.  We have compassion for ourselves because we are trying.  Just because we were trying to resist sweets, and we ate a piece of cake, doesn't mean that it's hopeless and so we might as well eat the whole thing!

I think the reason I find this book so fascinating is because I have seen myself in so many of the willpower traps the author explains.  Here's one example from last weeks orchestra practice.  I was the only flute player that day and was overthinking how easily I could be heard.  Sometimes I can let mistakes go, but this was not one of those times.  When I missed a note or three, I couldn't let it go.  I was sure everyone was focused on every wrong note.  I started comparing myself to the flute players who weren't there.  I told myself I was stupid for not having practiced more.  The more I berated myself, the worse my playing actually got, and the more sure I was that everyone probably wished I hadn't shown up at all!  I wished I hadn't shown up at all! 

Unfortunately these thoughts don't make me want to practice more.  They make me want to quit.  Had I let the mistakes go, and relaxed, there is about 100 percent chance that my playing would have been better.  Not perfect.  But better!  I know because I have been able to do that on other days.  So I made myself practice a little more this week, and tonight I hope to be more forgiving of my own mistakes.

So here's to leaving behind the heaps of guilt, and instead carrying around a good dose of compassion and forgiveness to apply to the mistakes that we all inevitably make.