Who Am I Trying To Be?

 

A picture I took on a fairly recent walk.

This morning was one of those unfortunate ones where I woke up feeling sad, lonely, and frustrated.  That is NOT my favorite way to be!  I listened to some beautiful music, looked at the beautiful world outside, and started asking myself what I was believing about me?  Have I been showing up the way I want to?  Of course, it is all a bit complicated because I seem to be able to believe opposite things about myself at the same time sometimes, and I do show up how I want to -- except when I don't!

It hit me this morning that I have fallen into the old pattern of trying to figure out what everyone wants from me or expects from me so that I can please them.  I take the responsibility for their happiness, when I obviously struggle with trying to feel happy myself!  I remembered reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and how she talked about  her rule to "Be Gretchen" and I stopped to write down what it means to "Be Sherie".  

People sometimes talk about not worrying what others think of you, only what God does.  This is great, and I realized that God created me.  He likes my personality.  He likes my smile.  He likes that I enjoy being silly.  He likes that I want people to be happy, even though He knows that I can't "make" them that way.  He created me to like words, and to enjoy putting them together.  He created me to love music, and dancing, to love cleaning (sometimes) and organizing.  He enjoys the fact that I am in awe of the variety of birds and animals and creepy looking, but essential bugs!  

I had such a good time writing about all of the things I enjoy, and all of the good qualities that I work really hard to develop (with the usual up and down success of a human).  It is such a happy thing to think that I am really just trying to be, and enjoy, the way that God created me to be.  I am reminded that it is most helpful to focus on the good.  The good in others.  The good in myself.  The good I can create, and do, and be.  Who am I trying to be?  Sherie.

Creating Questions

 

Photo by Vadim Bogulov on Unsplash

I have found that there are people who are really good at coming up with questions about just about anything or anyone. And then there is me.  I have wondered if I lack curiosity?  Confidence?  Why is it that trying to come up with good questions so often leaves me feeling a bit confounded?  

Last week I had an epiphany that I think is a helpful one for me.  I am a note taker.  I have taken notes at church for almost as long as I can remember.  I took notes at school.  I take notes to remember things and to hopefully stick them somewhat permanently into my mind.  I have even tried to go back and read some of them.  I have been going to church for a long time and my notes usually aren't anything super new to me, though occasionally a bit of inspiration will come and I'll write that.  My epiphany was simply to try a different way of taking notes.

So, during the talks at church last week, I wrote questions.  The questions the speakers were trying to answer.  I ended up writing a lot of questions!  I went back and started answering them today.  Some had obvious answers, but many were actually good questions to think more about.  Hopefully, as I write questions for notes, I will gain greater skill at creating good questions!  This will help me learn more about many things and hopefully about people and situations too.

 

His Loving Voice

Photo by Illiya Vjestica on Unsplash
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them..."

I have been thinking a lot lately about the character of God.  As a human, I have a hard time comprehending what He is like.  As a child I was taught that I am a child of God.  He loves me.  I believed it, and did my best to live like He wanted me too.  Life was black and white to me, and staying in the white just seemed a matter of determination.  I am very determined!

Time marches on and I experienced a lot of different things.  Everyone does.  I experienced how other people treated me, both good and bad.  I experienced people's disappointment and sometimes their anger.  I sometimes have felt that if I weren't a certain amount of good, I would not be loved, and might become completely unwanted.  I let myself and others down, and just could not ever be exactly what I wanted to be or what I felt God wanted me to be.

It is hard, after a while, to not confuse human reactions with how God reacts.  He expects me to do my best so surely He is disappointed when I fail, or frustrated with me when I mess up, right?  He knows I know better.  Is He frowning at me every time I goof?  I don't like being frowned at!  I don't like disappointing people and I certainly don't want to disappoint God!

As life got more complicated I forgot to remember that His ways are not my ways.  His thoughts are not the same as mine.  He gave me free will because He wanted me to learn and to get to choose Him if I wanted to.  At the same time, He is omniscient.  He knows me so well that He knows what I will choose.  He knows the end from the beginning.  I do not surprise Him when I mess up.  He knew I would.  He does not all of a sudden become frustrated or disappointed in me.  He isn't angry at me.  He doesn't want me to go away until I can do better and be better.  Instead He continues to love me.  He reaches His arms out to me with encouragement.  He calls to me, hoping I will hear Him and listen to His loving voice.

Jesus did what He came to do.  He came to save me.  How I love Him for that!  I am so grateful for His love and His encouragement.  I am so grateful that He smiles at me with genuine love, and understanding.  He doesn't get angry when I make mistakes.  In all situations He reaches out His hand and, if I choose to take it, He leads me to a better way.

Where Do I Get My Value?

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

I remember one of my brothers and his wife talking to me about the value of each individual and where it comes from.  They were explaining that our value is unchanging and comes from God.  I believe this, and yet there are times when I have forgotten, and believed something else.  In our complicated world it is easy to think that we are only valuable if...

If we look just right.  If we do "enough".  If we make lots of money.  If we are always available.  If we can walk or run quickly.  If we are married.  If we have children.  If people say nice things about us.  If we keep all of the rules.  If we are "cool".  If we are educated.  If we are talented.  If we own a house.  You get the idea.  Everyone probably has their own things that they have felt, or do feel, give them their value.

Which person has the most value?  Not monetary value, but true worth.  Who is more valuable?  You?  Your sibling?  Your parent?  Your friend?  A politician?  A criminal?  A homeless person?  Your neighbor?  A beggar?  A business owner?  A Janitor?  Who?

If we all have value does that mean that everyone is special?  And if everybody is special does that mean that nobody really is?  I believe we are all equally valuable, and we are also all unique.  This is truly incredible!  Not only are we unique, but we get to make choices.  We can choose to treat ALL others as valuable, or not.  We can choose to bravely realize that we have value and treat ourselves accordingly, or not.  Can you imagine the change for good that would happen if everyone knew their worth?

God created me, and therefore I am valuable.  You are valuable.  You matter.  You are loved.  You are important.  Where do I get my value?  I get it from God.  He made me.  He made you.  He is glad that He did.

Magical Things A to Z

I bought this for myself.  It had a list of
26 magical things and suggested we
make our own list.  This is mine!

A:  Angels, Antiques, Apple Pie a' la Mode

B:  Babies, Birds

C:  Children, Candles, Cake

D:  Dancing, Dreams (NOT nightmares)

E:  Energy to move, Eagles

F:  Fog that can make a whole mountain seem to disappear!  Feathers.

G:  Galaxies, Gardens

H:  Harmony, Humor

I:  Ice Cream, Invisible Ink

J:  Jars, Jokes, Jingle Bells

K:  Kites

L:  Leaves

M:  Music, Massages, Mail (from family or friends), Moon

N:  Names, Nests

O:  Oceans

P:  Paths, Pictures

Q:  Quilts

R:  Rain, Rugs (fluffy ones)

S:  Snowflakes, Smiles

T:  Treats, Trees

U:  Umbrellas -- colorful ones on a gray day

V:  Views, Violins well played

W:  Wings, Weather

X:  Xylophones of course!

Y:  YAYS! (Anything good that happens)

Z:  Ziplines, Zippers, and a Zest for life!

What is Ahead?

One of my interesting attempts at photography.

My friend Shellie asked about my goals for the year and I went a little blank at first.  This is not because I don't have things I want to do, but because I haven't fully formed the ideas in my head.  I am working towards being a guide for the nonprofit "My Story Matters".  The principles taught in class are helpful to me, and I like sharing them with others.  This is stretching me out of my comfort zone (I have to make videos of myself teaching the 12 "harbors" and send them in to the founder before the next step in my training!).  Yikes!  Stretching is good.  I remind myself often.

Picture by Jake (Thanks Jake!)

I have been working on finding ways to get myself moving more often.  I got roller skates for Christmas which will be a great thing if I can keep myself from falling too often!  I've decided I just need to call hiking "exploring" because exploring sounds fun to me, and hiking sounds like work.  I especially like wandering in the woods off trail, and I am hoping to find actual trails that feel a little on the "wild" side instead of the super beaten trail side.  I also want to kayak.  I don't have one -- yet -- but I am saving.  I went with friends the summer before last a couple of times and had so much fun!

I have watched Kirby Heyborne's show "making good" a few times, and am reading a book called "Human Kind:  Changing the World One Small Act at a Time".  All of the times I have listened to, watched, or read things like that I want more and more to do all of the good I can every day.  I do know myself though, and so I need to remember that I can't make ALL of the difference to everyone, or "fix" everything.  I am not Jesus, but I have come to feel His love so much that I really want others to feel it too!  I want to be aware, open to helping, and maybe even take time to be a little creative in finding ways to bring a smile to the faces of people I meet.

I took a picture of this in TX
because it made me smile.

Finally, I made an Instagram account that I called "Yay Today by Sherie K" only all run together.  Instead of the gratitude journal I kept on my nightstand last year and wrote in regularly (though not every day!), I want to post at least one good thing, or "YAY!" for every day.  It's kind of a fun way to work on photography too.  I hope you all can find lots of "Yay!" moments in the year ahead!

A Transformative Year

I took this picture on a trip to Michigan in August 2024

(This is basically a copy of a Christmas letter for Derek's parents and mine)

This has been a transformative year for me and I feel a freedom that is joyful.  I am grateful that life is so full of opportunities to keep learning!  Here are some of the things that have helped me.

1. I have taken the time most mornings to sit quietly and look out my window and consciously look at God’s creations as a gift for me, and to give thanks, and try to focus on God’s love.  The more I have done this the more I have come to feel my importance to Him.

2. From a few sources I learned more about the power of story.  The stories we somehow picked up about ourselves along the road of life can be crippling.  It is important to look at our stories and see if we picked up something that is not true.  Beliefs that are not true are heavy.  They weigh us down and obscure our vision, which makes the truth hard to see.  We have the power to change those old stories to truth. We can act in a way that gets rid of the ways we allowed ourselves, no matter how unwittingly, to be acted upon.

3. In Proverbs it says:  “Where there is no vision the people perish”.  In my class (My Story Matters) we talked a lot about vision.  How are we to become who we want to be if we don’t have a clear vision of what that looks like?  Because of my class, I worked a lot on coming up with a few “power words”  that I use as a “vision statement” so that in any given situation I have something short and quick that I can think of to remind me of how I want to show up.  Naturally my vision statements evolve like I do!

4. I have learned that feelings are not bad.  They are not always fun, but in and of themselves they are really just messengers.  They are a chance to feel curious.  Why is this feeling coming up?  What am I believing?  Is it true?  Any feeling I have is a chance for me to practice acting according to my vision and not allowing myself to use that feeling as an excuse to show up in a way that I will regret later.  Of course, the key word is practice.  The next transformative thing I have learned is…

5. Compassion!  Sometimes I am not going to show up in alignment with my vision.  I am going to mess up.  (Yay repentance!)  As I learned years ago, I am not being condemned by my Savior, and it is not okay to condemn myself.  Instead I can talk to myself with kindness, and practice grace.  It turns out that acting with compassion towards myself is a faster way to change than telling myself how stupid I am!  There is power in I AM!

6. “I am perfectly human”.  “I am completely loved and fully known”.  “God’s love for me is fierce and unending”.  These are words from songs that I have contemplated in the mornings and they give me a greater confidence in God’s love and in myself.  One of the songs I like talks about how I belong to Heavenly Father and He smiled when He made me.  I like to think of Him smiling at me – not with judgment, or disappointment, but with love and confidence.  That is an encouraging thought!

I will end with my current vision statement.

I am cradled in the arms of my Savior and I radiate His light.

I am a beacon of hope.

I am an enthusiastic teacher of truth.

I am the creator of my story.