February 1981 -- 13 Year Old Sadness

This is 1986 at my BYU dorm.  I am holding Ben, my best friend bear.
He was a gift and I loved him.

 "...I'm sad nobody hardly seems to care if I'm alive or not.  I don't see how people kicked out of their homes ever survive.  I doubt I could.  It's bad enough when you think that your little sister thinks you're just a no good teenager who likes to boss people around and not be bothered.  A little brother who probably thinks you to be all too worrysome, bothersome, careful about her stuff, an older sister who probably thinks you brag too much, you are just one big braggy show off and a big brother who, well I don't know, but if I guess he's pretty kind usually.

"Mom and Dad, they're too busy to notice I cry every night, well that's not their fault it's mine.  I do that so as not to bother them with my problems, as if they didn't have enough, I think they have too many, as for myself I don't think I brag.  If I do I don't mean to, I just do my jogging etc. to benefit my own self.  I do like to be careful with my stuff.  I don't mean to boss people around when and if I do I try my best to recognize my faults and correct them.  I've got a number of them I know.  I tend to talk before I think, I don't say morning prayers enough, I am not as good of a leader as I should be, I don't write in my journal enough.  I tend to get grouchy easy and it takes too much to make me happy.

I've heard that Mom and Tina (probably others think the same) think that I'm crazy to treat Ben [my stuffed Teddy Bear] and my stuffed animals the way I do.  I pet them and talk to them.  I listen, they listen when I'm happy they're happy, when I'm sad they're sad." [I then wrote a whole letter that, in a dream, I apparently left when I ran away, which I point out I'd never do.  The letter tried to explain that Ben was a great secret keeper, and listener and was whatever I needed him to be].

"My journal is like Ben, only I write in words to and in it.  I love you Mom, Dad, Tina, Raymond, Jenny, Brian, and I will always.  I hope you always know and understand that."

"I will close telling you Mom is the new seminary teacher.  I know she will do well".

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out
on Unsplash

 Dec. 10, 1980

"Today was pretty good but later in the day M. started cussing at me then I got mad and kept my mouth shut (but she still was mad).  I think she thinks cuss words make her terrific and make her look better, however not so with me."

Dec. 13, 1980

"Today all I did was clean house, do toothpaste caps [a business my Uncle H.D. had that allowed us to earn money], and carry wood.  And watch TV (a Christmas special) Perry Como did it in Bethlehem"

Dec. 14, 1980

"Dad talked to us we all cried.  He doesn't think he's being as good of a father as he should...but he is.

...He said we should think about the good in life not the bad - to count our blessings on paper which I'll try to do tomorrow."

"Dec 15, 1980

"Dad left - I wish he could have stayed with us - forever - ohh I hope we will be able to in heaven."

Dec. 16, 1980

"It's late so all I have time to write is a few more of my blessings I have come to appreciate Faith and Prayer are two - we have practiced this a lot lately and have come to appreciate them."

Dec 17, 1980

"...a few blessings I have come to recognize.

1.  Love in the family

2.  Sharing

3.  Giving

such things to do with Christmas"

Dec. 18, 1980

"if there is any thing I've realized tonight it is this...

No matter if I've got an F in Algebra and a B in band I've still got friends that really care who will support you no matter what happens or how dumb you seem to be and also your family helps."

Dec. 19, 1980

"...the blessing I recognized most were that of friends and family who can make a big difference in your life."

*To wrap up December, we opened our presents on Christmas Eve this year because we were going to My Grandma C.'s on Christmas.  I got an electric blanket which was "such a nice thing"  and "warm!"  This was a hard year financially for my parents and I am pretty sure our Christmas was made possible by a thoughtful check in the mail, likely from my Aunt and Uncle in Missouri.  I'm sure needing that check was hard for my parents, but I remember being grateful for the kindness and love of sweet relatives.

Saudi Arabia, and The Hair Care Lady

 December 3, 1980

This is the picture that I associate with "The Hair Care Lady"

"Dad got an offer for a job and if he takes it we will be living in Saudi Arabia for two years on the way home to America after that we might could see Germany, Switzerland etc.  We could see Jerusalem too while there.  But that's a maybe.  If we went the house would be furnished - maybe even the furniture - It would be sooo neat! But I'll find out this weekend and I've gotta keep my mouth closed.  Well there is no time for any more - everything is the same as usual.  The Hair care lady [We had an activity at Young Women's] said my hair well I had as much hair as there was of me so I needed to wear it in braids or a close hairstyle either that or cut short.

Well gotta go Bye!

GOODNIGHT

Sherie"

*I do not remember being excited about the opportunity in Saudi Arabia, but in a later entry I do say that "I hope we go so Bad!"  We did not go and I don't even mention finding out we weren't going! 

I remember feeling like the "hair care lady" was telling me that my hair was wrong.  There was too much.  I didn't do the right hair style.  I should cut it off.  I can't say I was very thankful -- more hurt -- which I'm sure was never the intention.  I did report on December 6th that I got my hair cut along with my bangs and that I liked it -- though I was waiting to hear everyone's opinion.

December 1, 1980 -- Goals. Always More Goals!

 

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

"Today was a pretty good day everyone was in a good mood even me but you couldn't tell I was so sleepy!  Algebra even went so-so which is for for that - I'm going to do a good deed everyday completing a goal now I hope I can do it.  I did a small one today.  I wrote a note to Mom.  I hope I can get my homework done - for 2nd period tomorrow.  I'm gonna write a few goals..."

1.  Read scriptures at least ten minutes a day.
2.  Write in journal once a day.
3.  Do at least one good deed a day.

4.  Be able to get up again (stop being lazy)

5.  Always say morning and evening prayers.

6.  Do better in school.

7.  Control thoughts, actions and speech.

8.  To remember goals above

Somehow I will.

Goodnight

Adios"

[I feel like a lot of my lists of goals could be summarized in "be perfect every day" which was really not possible and so the long list didn't usually last long, but I imagine they did a little bit of good for a while:-)]

November 1980

 

Nov., Dec, January section divider.

November 5, 1980

"Reagan is our new President."

"I am sick now but am glad maybe he will get something done."

Nov. ? 1980

"We did not win over all roadshow this year (to them) to us we did win and always will be winners."

Nov. 24, 1980

"zzzzziggyzzzzziggy

Such a sleepy day the sun didn't even wake up!

[Then I write with a lot of hic-ups between words because apparently I had hic-ups all day]

"Slight ATTACKING WORKS!"

"Tina's Room -- done.  Blankets hidden"

"Raymond bombarded with pillows"

"How Fun.  Still FHE left for fun--" [Family Home Evening"]

Nov. 26, 1980

"Tomorrow's Thanksgiving we're going to watch The Sound of Music. YEAHH!  Don't know where we are going." [I did report later that we did not go to Grandma's]

Nov. 30 [A "good day" with a rather dramatic sounding entry]

"Dad left otherwise it was a good day. [Dad went back to work in a different city].  It's really time for bed- and I'd really be glad to go- except I'm so scared of tomorrow.  I really just don't know.  I dread the clash of hate and anger waiting for me at the door, or peace and love whatever they feel like - either M or K or L will be in a bad mood.  Really, I think M hates me - and for good reason and maybe K - L doesn't that's part of the reason they might dislike me.

I just don't know any more.  I admit L. and I said things we shouldn't have - and I'm sorry but OHHH

Also ALGEBRA YUKK My teacher I think hates me and must - along with everyone think I'm dumb - but for good reason - maybe I am.

I must have a little brains in me - I wish I could understand everything well maybe someday - and I wish - well I do (have someone to really talk to)"

*I think it's interesting how often I throw around the word hate.  I can't imagine that anybody actually hated me, and I also don't think I was dumb, except that I called myself that a lot!  Ah the drama of a teenage girl!

A Letter From My Dad

I love this picture
of my Dad because
he is so happy.  He
loved playing with my
kids when they
were little!

As I read this letter that my Dad sent me, I was wishing that I had memorized it, and kept it in the forefront of my mind, especially as an older teenager.  I love my Dad.  He gives great hugs, and always wants to do what is right.  I always knew he loved me, but somewhere along the way, I decided I wasn't quite living up to the person he wanted me to be and he was disappointed.  He he told me all of the good things in words long ago in this letter, and I don't really think he ever stopped thinking of me in this way.  I wonder how many other times he told me, and I did not pay close enough attention!  I always have wanted to make my Dad proud, and am glad to know that he is proud of me.

Here is the letter.

"Dear Sherie

I want to write to you and tell you I love you and miss you along with telling you thanks for just being you.  You are a true delight to have as a daughter.  I appreciate all your cheerfulness, your helpfulness and your willingness.

You are a great help in helping and caring for the younger children.  You so faithfully get out of bed and set a good example for all of us.

I'm proud to see you as president of the Beehive class [The young women's class in our church for ages 12 and 13].  I know you'll do a good job with the help of the Lord you'll be able to do all the things you want to do for the girls.

I hear you are a super salesman.  Keep up the good work. [I don't really know what this was about even though he mentions it later in the letter.  I have a pretty sure knowledge that I am not a super sales person!]

It's getting close to your birthday.  Do you think you can stand to be a year older?  I'm hoping that I can work it out to come home that week but I won't know till probably next week - sometime.

I hope you can read this.  I'm laying down.  The light isn't very bright and I can't write very good at best.

In the ward here [church congregation] they allow 12 year olds to go to ward dances that they have periodically.  Do you think you'd like to go to the dances?  J. seems to like it.  They can't go to stake dances though until they're 14 years old [stakes are made up of a few congregations].  They have stake dances every 2 weeks.

Have you sold anyone on the Diet Kit? Mother says you were playing the tape to a big audience? [Again, I remember nothing about this.  What kind of diet kit would a 12 year old be selling?]

I don't know if I told you thanks for the nice letter you wrote.  I really appreciated it.  I get so lonely for all of you even though one would wonder how anyone could be lonely in a circus, but their way of living and all the noise is hard for me to take let alone just being so far from all of you.  I love you so much.

I thought I would be through with the guns I'm working on tomorrow but they found 50 more so it will keep me busy the rest of this week.  Next week I'll be Sanding and painting wood gun stocks (handles).[I don't remember Dad working on guns except in Missouri.  Maybe he was already there?  I really don't know]

Well I'd better close and see if I can get a note written to Brian and Jenny tonight also it's getting late.  I only got 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I need to get more than that tonight.

Remember I love you.

Love, Dad"

English Drama

Sept. 5, 1980

"I wish I weren't so dumb.  I try so hard and pray to the Lord to help me remember what I studied.  So Why?  Why? do I make such awful grades and always hurt friends feeling when I don't mean to?  I am SO DUMB Oh PHOOEY!"

Well I try.  I even bring things home to ask for help and to have more time.  But after helping me once they won't help me again.  I get so aggravated.  I cry sometimes because I just can't do things even when I try my hardest.  English is IMPOSSIBLE."

*I do not remember this hatred of English!  And calling myself dumb is not a helpful thing to do!  That has taken a while to learn!  I sometimes still have to remind myself of that!

Sept. 8th

"Today happened snap snap snap everything went very fast....English was even pretty good today."

Sept 12

"I made a 92% on my English test (I couldn't believe it)."

Mom Saves The Day

Many years after this journal entry this is my Mom baking with the help of my happy Kayli.

 September 2nd, 1980

"Today I felt so Dumb and picked on in English.  I missed 7 out of twenty.  The teacher called on me when I wasn't ready so I felt so ignorant.  Literature was fair but I felt so DUMB.  Luckily Mom saved the day and made me feel much better.  She said everyone has a day like that sometimes.  I hope tomorrow is much MUCH better (But of course as the Lord wills).

*Due to the recession at the time, my Dad lost his construction business and was working a few hours away.  He came home only maybe every other weekend -- and I am not sure he got to come home that much.

"Dad is so lonely.  I wrote him and mom wrote him a letter but no one else will.  I don't want him to feel lonely any more.  I guess I shouldn't act best, judge or tell people what to do.  I wish I wouldn't do that!"

*And for the record, they perhaps all wrote him at a different time -- just not when I told them too!

Bug Bites and Drama August 1980

 

August 25

"A bug bit me three times today and my foot is swollen up real big because of it.  I might not be able to take PE tomorrow depending on if it's better or worse."

August 27

"Today was a confusing, surprising, mad, queer, fun filled day.  Well you might say interesting.  Well lets take that one step at a time.

1.  Confusing -- I didn't know whether or not I'd be taking gym going to the doctor or what.  Mrs. Hamilton wants me to work in the library and I can't decide whether or not to -- (It's like playing tug-a-war.  One side of me wants to work in the library.  The other side wants to stay in study hall.  Oh well in that part I'm a big BIG ? (Question Mark)

2.  Surprising -- When M. kept calling herself stupid in Algebra (I very highly disagreed with her).  When they called me to the office and told me not to ride the bus my Mom will pick me up to go to the doctor."

3.  Mad.  I was mad when M. called herself stupid and when she quite left me out talking to other people and acting like everything I said was unimportant.

4.  queer -- Mr. G. let me take P.E. in my flip flops -- (that made everyone stare).

5.  fun filled -- Chip said hi -- WOW! While I got on the bus someone stepped on the bottom of my flip flops and made me trip.  The bus driver asked what I'd been drinking.  I said nothing.  Later on Melanie asked me what I'd been drinking I told her milk.  Then I was in a goofy mood and said What Have I been drinking?  Then it hit me!! I HAD Been Drinking Apple JUICE!

6.  Interesting All of these things smushed together!

August 31

I went to a slumber party it was kind of a bummer.  L. with her cussing drinking and smoking with her boys -- Frenching etc.

Today we had a fireside it was good.

My foot with the bites on it is well."

August 1980

My journal that I was looking forward to replacing after about 2 days.  Sometimes I wasted whole
pages trying to get done faster, but mostly I filled them all.

 School Starts, The Beautiful World, Odds and Ends

August 18

"Tomorrow is the first day of school.  I am going to wear my new blue jeans, my white shirt and my suspenders.  I am getting up at 6:00 a.m. and I'm bringing my new notebook with horses on the front."

August 19

"I watched the clouds stars moon and a storm today it was beautiful.  Especially to realize the Heavenly Father gave us all so very much!  The sky, the moon, the stars, the sleet, the rain, the snow, He even gave me the ability to walk and run and write and much much more.  It really helps you recognize your blessings."

August 22

"I was in a good mood today.  I had lots of fun at school and jabbered all the way home."

"Oh today I played soldier while doing my chores just to make it more fun."

August 24

"Today Chip was wearing a green tie with orange flowery things and a white shirt with red and yellow striped pants and green socks! Wow did he look funny!!!!!"

About seeing Chip another time, "I saw him the other day and he actually had something on that fit and matched!  WOW!"

About a friend's opinion and mine at the time, "Well I don't think R rated movies are good especially not to watch and hear.  I don't think cafeen is good even though I set a bad example by eating and drinking chocolate.  The temple trip was great in spite of the buses the temple was worth it.  It was real special.  Also L. doesn't like my house it's not air conditioned and doesn't have carpet!  Well hers isn't air conditioned either.  She said she doesn't like houses that aren't air conditioned and don't have carpet.  She also said that she just spent the night so I would spend the night at her house, but I don't think that is very nice and it makes me mad that she doesn't care what I think."

July 22, 1980 Waking Up Singing

 

My best friend Dawnae and Little Me with Dawnae on Pioneer Day one year.

"Today was a terrific day although it was raining I woke up singing and was in a good mood all day (so tonight I can say Goodnight). I was also trying to figure out which song to memorize for my goal.  School starts August 21 -- it will be a whole day (of school) A Bummer!  We're going to H.D.'s Thursday.  And we have tennis lessons then come home and pack the n a party at Freeman Lake.  Mom and Dad aren't going to let the cat in to eat any more.  They even threatened to get rid of it.  I cried over that.  Well it's getting well is late.  So I'd better say GOODnight.  And we Hope a GOOD TERRIFIC Morning."

(July also had letters that I received from my best friend from Las Vegas.  She was having a hard time without having someone to "pal around with and invite over".  She was a dedicated correspondent for quite a while and I hopefully was equally as good in return!

July 14, 1980 -- The Cat and Dog Fight

 

Photo by Anastacia Dvi on Unsplash

"Last night Tina and I went cooky [kooky?] we imitated apes and roosters.  We figured since everyone new there was no apes in the forest they would just think us all the weirder for imitating cats and dogs but we did for about 10:00 minutes the(n) started to talk well -- about then Jenny ran upstairs and go's Tina! Tina! did you hear that cat and dog fight!  Tina and I realizing it had been us laughed hysterically for a long time.

Well all the bugs are out ready to eat me up any second so I got to go to bed.

Like Grandma F. always said.

Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bight! [bite]"

The End of Journal #1

 Sept. 23

"Brian and Jenny and I smelled perfume.  Brian said, 'It makes me sick' but it smelled good.  We also discussed journals.

My Grandma sent birthday cards every year for a long time!  She was a dedicated and loving Grandma.

The Invention of Food :-)

Photo by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash

December

"The past few months have been trial times but fun and exciting."

January

 "Today we invented food.  The first one was good but the rest gave us (Tina and I) a garlic tasting mouth!"

"Snow falls today and gets in my way.  by for now!"

"Today was ok at school but on the bus coming home I believe it was the worst ride I've ever had.  The rest of the day has gone fine."

Aug. 11

"I had tonsolitus and had to have two big shots in the legs and I have to take two prescriptions of pills for 6 more days counting today.  I didn't eat anything hardly until today and lost about 5 pounds.  Today I plan on straightening this horribly frightening room."

Aug 12

"...the musical number (by the relief society choir) was marvelous and we were all surely filled with the spirit.  Afterwards I got asked if I liked Chip again but she got side tracked and when she was finished asked if I liked his hair!  I said yes normally.  He has nice hair I guess!  Then we left for home.

Aug 15

"Today I decorated my first cake.  It didn't look very good though nobody said anything unless it was complements"

Aug 23

"Today I got my locker open for one half of a day but the rest of the day I couldn't"

Aug 29

"Today I figured out how to get my locker open.  You have to set your books down!"

More Fabulous Journal Entries

 July 24, 1979

"today Is pioneer day but it rained so they cancelled it until tomorrow"

This is the house I lived in during those journal entries but it was unfinished and looked a lot different!
Back then it was surrounded by woods.  The tall trees were beautiful and it was a bit of a wonderland for us!  There was no deck, and inside we mostly had blankets for doors and were good at saying "knock, knock" before entering a bathroom!

August 1,
"Hope took a picture of me for her brother who likes me. (Chip isn't bad himself) Personally I hope it doesn't come out so she will take another one in that one I turned as red as a beet!"

Aug, 1

"Last Night Was fantastic! We had the pioneer celebration today.  When we first got there I just walked around then I saw Chip riding his bicycle. (Chip is who I like; strange enough he likes me to) Then I got conned into playing frisby football. It was boring, I just hiked and called shortstuff." [No I don't know what I was talking about with that short stuff sentence].

"then Glenn left and I just sat there until I left During this time Chip had waved and I waved back (so far not having even talked to him).  [I drew a map of where I sat with Tina and where Chip sat] Tina started with go sit by Chip there's an empty seat there.  Later on Tina left to wash off While I was sitting there listening to Tate say Chip there's your girl friend with an empty chair by her in so loud of a whisper I'd be suprised if everyone heard Then I left to find Tina she of course wanted to no why I left etc."

...."Afterwards was the conclusion of the movie I heard Tate say Chip your girl friend ran away from you. When I finally got home and in bed it was 12:00 A.M."

July 23, 1979

 

"Yesterday I found out that a guy named Chip liked me.  Imagine that me!  He got his sister to ask me if I liked him I, like a dumbo, said, sort of when he is my 2nd or 3rd choice.  What a nice day.  all the talks were good and interesting.

I cannot wait till Friday or Sunday.  Friday my cousins and aunt and uncle (the T.'s) come to visit. (also my grandma and Julie C.)  Sunday the bishop interviews me for primary graduation.  I am terrified (not quite but almost).

I just afraid I will get nervous and forget everything.  I cannot wait for next Sunday in a way that Laura is getting back at I have a lot to tell her to catch her up on what's going on.