The Tournament Game With Half Time Entertainment

Yesterday Connor's team played their last game of the season.  They did not win their game, but it was still one of the most enjoyable games I have ever watched.  A good part of that was that Connor was playing and Derek was coaching, but our team this year had heart, and they tried to do what Derek said (most of the time).  They were even generous with the one player who would lose the ball almost every time he touched it.  They wanted him to score at least once.

When we walked in to the gym we saw a team that was big.  Our team is -- not big.  It appeared that we were to play a team of giants.  Our guys were shorter, and weighed less.  I thought we were doomed.  Derek thought we might lose by 20 or more (though he never said that to the team!)  Much to our delight, we were ahead for a lot of the first half, and were tied at half time.

The half time entertainment for those who were observant was Dan doing some "moves" out on the basketball court.  The score keeping lady loved it.  Dan had informed us at dinner that he is a music boy.  He told us that he sings and dances, but he mostly dances at home, just sometimes at school.  His moves have been missing for a while so I was glad that "music boy" reappeared.

The second half started out badly for our team and we got behind.  Still, the most we were ever behind was ten points and we sure scared them towards the end.  We got so close!  It was disappointing to lose, but since they were somewhat skilled giants it was sure fun to give them a good game.  Hooray for a good season of basketball!

A Contrast in Coaching

Connor and Derek love basketball AND cars.

Derek is Connor's basketball coach this year.  Last Saturday they had their last game before the tournament and we were treated to a display of contrasting coaching styles.  Derek is encouraging.  He points out the good things the boys do, tries to help them stay calm, and reminds them of how they should play against each kind of defense, and what their plan for the offense is.  He reminds them that everyone gets five fouls and as long as you aren't out there trying to hurt anyone then you don't need to get upset when the ref calls a foul -- even if you think you didn't make one.

The other coach, who I think is probably a really nice guy in regular life, shouted and shouted at his players, and acted like our players were really his teams' enemy and not just their opponent. He yelled at the ref constantly.  At one point he jumped off of his bench and went to yell at the ref on the court.  The other ref kindly put his arm around him and quietly explained that he needed to calm down, and stay on his bench if he wanted to keep coaching the game.

This coach did good things too.  When Connor made an awesome last second shot before the third quarter buzzer sounded, he clapped.  I just was glad that Connor didn't end up with him as a coach since I think Connor would have decided he didn't like playing city league ball after all.  The game was very close.  Our guy hit what we thought was the game winner, but there were two seconds left.  The other team threw up a miraculous swish of a three pointer right at the buzzer to win.  Our team was sad to lose, but they did play a good game, and have done a good job of having fun.  The tournament starts today and maybe this time we'll get the winning shot.

One Good Thing

This story actually took place before Connor was born, but it's hard to find the perfect picture!

When the girls were little Derek would often come home from work at 5:30.  We could hardly wait to see him, and were ready to greet him with all of our woes.  We all loved to have someone who would listen to our grievances with sympathy.  Our days were good, but by 5:30 we were tired, and grumpy, and often forgot the good parts.  We never really stopped to think that being bombarded with bad things wasn't Derek's favorite way to be greeted.

Finally, Derek started asking us to tell him one good thing about our day before we said anything negative.  This changed our focus from what went wrong on any given day, to what went right.  It led to a lot happier conversations than our daily tattle sessions.  Now, years later, Kayli has taken it upon herself to make sure we all remember something good about our day at dinner time.  It is really easy in moments of exhaustion to look back and remember the day in a grumpy way, but if we honestly try, we can look back on our day and find at least one good thing.

That Table is in Trouble!

Our table.  It has received many lectures over the years.

Derek is really good at handling hurts with humor.  So, often, when our children would run into walls, or objects, and would get a little hurt, the object would suffer his "wrath".  For example, if one of the kids ran into the table, and was crying, Derek would give that table a stern lecture, and maybe even spank it.  Pretty soon the hurt child would be laughing and trying really hard to convince their Dad that tables can not hear anything. 

I was surprised the first time I saw this.  I don't think I would have ever thought to do that, but it works.  I have lectured tables and walls myself with resulting giggles, and we all know that giggles are better than wails any day.

What to Do With Doubts

Picture from LDS.org

This is a story about a time that I doubted all that I knew, and still know, to be true.  This was the kind of doubt that can come to anyone who hears something out of the realm of their experience, or who is surprised to find that prophets are human, and not perfect.

In my memory I always believed in Jesus and loved Him.  I feel like faith in Jesus Christ is a gift I was given when I was very young.  I also have always believed that Joseph Smith was a prophet.  I had already had prayers answered many times.  I knew that Priesthood power had been restored to Earth, and I loved the Book of Mormon.  So it surprised me one day, while reading a book about Joseph Smith, when I came across something that made me feel like I had the feet knocked out from under me.

This was a biography that talked about Joseph, seer stones, and treasure hunting.  It was something out of my experience and I did not understand.  I felt like I had lost my anchor.  I was very afraid.  The question came to me, "What will I do if the gospel really is not true?"  I looked around at the life I loved, and thought of the promises I had made, and wondered what the right thing to do was.  Somehow, I failed to stop and realize that I still knew that Jesus lived, loved me, and atoned for me.  I didn't remember all of the times that my prayers had been answered.  The fear had taken over.

I talked to Derek about these things.   He explained what I had read in a helpful way, but I still felt unsure.  This is where years of teaching and habit came to the rescue.  I prayed.  I asked Heavenly Father if Joseph was a prophet.  I got no answer that I could hear, or feel. I read scriptures with Derek, and on my own, and then, when it was Sunday, I went to church.  There in Relief Society we sang Joseph Smith's First Prayer.  As I sang, I could feel the Holy Ghost testifying to me from my head all the way down to my toes that what I sang was true.  As has often been the case with me, my prayer was answered through music.

Prophets have taught that one of the best ways to strengthen our testimony, and to remember it, is to share it.  When we say what we believe out loud, the Holy Ghost testifies to us that what we say is true.  This can happen when we sing too.  It is normal to have questions and doubts, and when we do, the same scripture that helped Joseph, will help us.

James 1:5-6  "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.  But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.  For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed."

Raffi to the Rescue

Raffi -- from google images

Raffi is a musician who sings children's music.  His music has rescued me on more than one occasion.  To me his music is like a cool spring breeze blowing through a hot stuffy room.  I find it refreshing.

When Trisa was a baby I worked at a day care center.  I was a substitute and so I taught different age groups on different days.  One of my least favorite rooms to work in was the toddler room.  This may surprise those of you who know what a huge fan I am of toddlers.  They are all SO cute, and a little funny.  I often smile constantly when I get the chance to watch them.  However, all day, in a not too big room, with eight toddlers, and one other teacher can seem to drag on for at least a week.  Toddlers love to climb, and the little furniture the day care provided made it easy for them.  So the whole day would be spent saying, "Get down from the table!  Get down from the table!  Get down from the table!"  and then there would be a break to change a stinky diaper, or to say "Don't throw the toys!"  "Don't hit!"

At the end of the day it was down to just me and four or five toddlers, and time was dragging.  I was sure the day was never going to end.  Then I saw an old fashioned tape recorder that wasn't quite as old fashioned back then as it is now.  I hit play, and for the first time that I can remember, I heard Raffi sing.  It was cheerful, and all of a sudden the room felt a lot less like a trap, and more like a pleasant place to be.  The music had rescued me from the tension I was feeling after a long day, and I enjoyed those little people until we could all go home.

Another time, when Dan was two, we had the blessing of getting to go stay on a house boat at Lake Powell with a lot of my family (thanks again Jeff and Jenny).  Derek was travelling with Trisa in a different car because he couldn't stay the whole time.  Dan was with me and the other kids.  The longer we drove the bigger my headache got, and the more grumpy Dan got.  Finally, I told Tia we had to change music and I asked her to put on children's music.  Dan loved, and actually still loves, Raffi singing songs about ducks.  That children's music made such a huge difference!  I had felt trapped in that car with my head pounding, but as Dan and I sang along to duck songs, and I entertained other drivers by dancing in the drivers seat to some other children's music, my headache faded, and the mood in the car shifted.

I am thankful for Raffi!  As an interesting side note, when I still thought threatening children was a good way of parenting, I told Trisa that if she didn't stop throwing a tantrum I would turn the Raffi music off.  "NOOOOOO!"  Trisa did not like that idea.

Warning Bells: A Dating Story

picture from google images

Once, when I was on a date, the boy said, in a rather commanding voice, "Hold my hand!"  I did not want to hold his hand, and I was uncomfortable.  I didn't know what to do, and perhaps out of fear, or a desire to avoid conflict, I held his hand.  This sent him the unfortunate message that I would allow him to control me.  Foolishly, though this should have been a warning bell, I even went out with him again.  This was a difficult relationship to get out of.  He did not want to let me go.  I believe he thought that if he exerted enough pressure, I would do what he wanted.

So, my advice is simple.  If someone commands you to hold their hand, and you are not about to fall off a cliff, or a tall building, it's okay to say "no thanks", and maybe even to suddenly remember something you have to do at home.  If they command you to do anything, especially if it makes you uncomfortable, then this is a warning bell and it is time to get out.

Awkward vs. Awkward and Painful: A Dating Story

image from destopnexus.com

Once upon a time there was a nineteen year old girl who was sure that life was going to pass her by.  She had never yet had a boyfriend, unless you count first grade when she was Sheldon's second best girlfriend.  She had been on dates, but it seemed like the boys she liked didn't like her back, and vice versa.  She was pretty sure something was wrong with her.  Then a boy asked her out who was a good friend of a friend.  He was a returned missionary.  This girl's roommates liked him.  They thought he was nice, and funny.  She went out with him a time or two and was pretty sure this was not a relationship that would work out for her.

Of course, the girl was me.  My roommates thought that I "looked good" with this boy and they encouraged me to "give him a chance".  Since I was pretty convinced that something was wrong with me, I decided I should try harder to like him.  It sounds dumb, and it was.  This is one of those experiences I'm not particularly fond of remembering.  I dated that poor boy long enough to hurt him when I broke up with him.  He cried.  I felt awful.  If I had been honest with myself, and with him, it would have ended much sooner and been less painful.

When dating, the opinion of others on how you look together, or how awesome the boy's sense of humor is, or their opinion that he is nice, or handsome, should not really factor in to what you do.  If you feel good about dating the person, and there are no warning bells going off in your mind, then you should accept another date.  If you are sure after the first date that this is not going to work for you, then it is better to be honest, and say no the next time.  Awkward is better than awkward and painful! 

Charming Meets Naive

picture from www.jboothcounselling.com

In the same marriage prep class where I learned that men don't get hints, I also learned that the person you are dating won't change after you are married.  But everyone does change, right?  So what did my professor mean?  Here's a story to illustrate:

When I was in college I had a friend.  He was tall, dark, handsome, and charming.  He was raised a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  He had served a mission.  Unfortunately, he also liked to go to Las Vegas on the occasional weekend to gamble.  I was flattered that he liked to talk to me, and I enjoyed his company.  One day we were both setting up for a ward dance and he asked, "Why do girls like you never go out with guys like me?"  I said something terribly clever like, "Because guys like you don't ask girls like me to go out."  I was naive, and probably would have gone out with him had he asked.

So, suppose our story was different, and Charming had asked out Naive.  She liked his company, and was frankly a bit lonely.  They had fun together.  They had things in common.  They fell in love and decided to get married.  They both believed the other would change.  Charming felt that, once they were married, she would go on a trip with him to Vegas and she would loosen up a little and discover that gambling was fun.  Naive knew that Charming was aware that gambling went against what they had been taught and that she didn't like it.  He loved her and he would not want her to be unhappy!  She was sure he would not gamble anymore once they were married.

Of course, before they have been married for too long, Charming will want to take her gambling, and she will refuse to go.  He will be offended, and so will she.  He will determine to have fun anyway.  She will determine to teach him what is right and will nag him when he gets home.  Pretty soon he will want to leave more, and she will want to nag more, and neither one will be happy.  Could they change?  Yes.  But will they change before they wreck their relationship?  Maybe not.

The truth is, if someone loves to gamble before they get married, they will love to gamble after they get married.  If they tell their Mom every word you say and everything you do before you are married, they will do the same afterwards.  If they play video games for hours every day before they get married, they still are going to do that after!  It really is best to find someone who you can love without exception.  Find someone who makes you feel like you want to be a better person when you are with them, and not someone that you feel you can "fix" or "save".

Keep in mind that this is a lesson from a marriage prep class.  If you are Charming, or Naive, and have already married someone who you thought would change, you are now operating under a different set of rules including "love your choice", and "you can only change yourself".  There is still hope for your happily ever after, and there are other stories I will tell another time that might help.

As a final aside, it is true that in the story above, Naive is also charming (of course!), and Charming also happens to be naive.  They both failed to realize that the person they were dating would not change when they were married.

Reason to Rejoice

The Manti Temple
Photo from LDS.org
This is the temple where Derek's parents were married.

Today is my brother-in-law Alex' birthday.  He would have been thirty today.  As I tried to decide what to write about, I thought it would be a perfect day to be thankful for temples, the sealing power of the priesthood, and the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Joseph Smith said, "The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. … "

It is hard not to wonder every year what Alex would look like now, and if he would have the same sense of humor as the rest of his family, and where he would live, and many other things.  But we will not have to wonder forever.  One day we will have him again, and that is a good reason to rejoice.

Working Vacation: A Family Project

This is the carpet we've had for 15 years.  You can see the main path through the room.
This is also the start of ripping out the carpet on Friday.

 This is the guest room where all of the stuff stayed.  It's a good thing we didn't have company this weekend!

 Jake Derek and Connor at the beginning of the project.

 Dan.  One of his main jobs seems to be posing on the floor after it's done.

 Kayli, Connor, and Derek -- almost done!

 All done.  The glowing spots are from the camera.

The room all put back together, with the Knight and the Princess in their proper places.

 

Derek (Dad):  Was the chief and the muscle.

Connor:  Main assistant with some heavy lifting.

Sherie (Mom):  Prep work including taking out baseboards -- which isn't fun.  Painter.

Kayli:  Helped Derek and Connor in the main room and did the closet floor with Mom.  Heavy Lifting, dusting.

Jake:  Helped with the main floor and with odd jobs.

Dan:  Said "I've done a lot of work today.  It isn't fair!"  He vacuumed, mopped some, posed for a picture, and ??????

 

Everyone was very helpful and good sports with only one fit from Dan.  He perked up when Kayli took him and Connor to pick up food.  Working holidays can be rewarding.  Family Home Evening was watching church videos while we ate and having yummy cinnamon rolls for treat.



My Sweetheart Kayli

 

Kayli and her date Bryant before the Sweethearts Dance.

These pictures are courtesy of Bryants mom.

Not Forgotten

Centennial 2 apartment complex, only I don't think it looked this nice back then.
This is where I llived at the time this story took place.

One of the challenges that I have is that ocasionally I get to feeling lonely, and forgotten.  Usually, I know the feeling will pass, and I am fine.  But I remember once in college when I had a particularly difficult time.  It was the week before Halloween.  Halloween was on Saturday, and all of my roommates had plans.  I had been invited to a party, but it was a party full of acquaintances -- people I did not know well.  As I was walking over, I saw some of my friends leaving on dates, and I felt left out.  I went to the party, but soon they went to turn on a movie that was against the standards that I had lived my whole life.  I quietly got up and left, and walked home.

When I got to my apartment it was dark.  Nobody was home, and the feelings of loneliness seemed to close around me.  I remember lying on my bed and crying.  My journal reports that I cried for three hours.  I read the scriptures and found the words "Fear not for I am with you" comforting.   I decided that I could pray and fast that I wouldn't feel so lonely.  In my journal I wrote that I asked for a miracle, and that my friends came through to provide it.  When I went to school I saw three different friends who were happy to see me and asked how I was doing.  My home teacher even stopped me to ask if I was okay. 

The interesting thing is that nothing really changed.  My family and friends loved me the whole time.  They would have been happy to talk to me, but apparently I couldn't see that.  Thankfully, when I asked the Lord for help, he sent it in the form of kind friends and the ability to see that I was not forgotten.