The Super N.O.V.A. Grad

Dan reading his constitution

Dan's Polaris Award

Dan graduated from the N.O.V.A. program last night.  NOVA stands for Nurturing Opportunities Values Accountability, and is taught by an officer of our local police department. 

Derek wasn't home from work yet and so it was just me who went with Dan and I ended up feeling sad that Derek had missed it.  It was a half hour program.  The adults who spoke didn't take much time, and then three students had been chosen to read their NOVA Constitutions -- which is something all of the students had been required to write.  Dan was one of those students, and he went first.  He did such a good job!

At the end of the program they announced one winner of the "Polaris Award" from each 6th grade class.  These were students who had good attendance at the NOVA classes, had written a constitution, and who had been well behaved and helpful to others.  The first winner?  Dan!  He was surprised.  I don't think anyone else really was, but he was.  The prize was perfect for him.  He loves stuffed animals and he gave this one lots of hugs as soon as he had it.

Dan is my super NOVA grad, and I am really proud of him.  I got a text from a friend last night who lives up the street.  She said that she recorded Dan because she knew her kids who weren't there would want to watch him.  She said they loved it.  I thought that was sweet.

Heaps of Guilt vs. Forgiveness and Compassion

From Google Images

I was reading The Willpower Instinct yesterday while I was walking on the treadmill.  I have found this book to be quite fascinating.  The author was explaining that most humans seem to think that the best way for us to motivate ourselves to improve is to really heap on the guilt when we goof.  If we mess up, we tell ourselves that we are stupid, or weak.  We are bad, or hopeless.

Not only is this super discouraging, but it has the opposite effect than the one we intended.  Those of us who heap guilt and shame on ourselves tend to turn to the very vices we are trying to overcome to sooth our guilt.  This makes us feel better for a minute.  Then it makes us feel guilty.  Then we turn back to the vice we were trying to overcome.  This creates a vicious cycle that leads us deeper into the very behavior we were hoping to guilt ourselves into avoiding.

So what really works? The studies in the book showed that forgiveness is what works.  We forgive ourselves for messing up and try again.  Instead of feeling like one goof made the whole goal hopeless, we cut ourselves some slack and realize that messing up is a part of learning.  We have compassion for ourselves because we are trying.  Just because we were trying to resist sweets, and we ate a piece of cake, doesn't mean that it's hopeless and so we might as well eat the whole thing!

I think the reason I find this book so fascinating is because I have seen myself in so many of the willpower traps the author explains.  Here's one example from last weeks orchestra practice.  I was the only flute player that day and was overthinking how easily I could be heard.  Sometimes I can let mistakes go, but this was not one of those times.  When I missed a note or three, I couldn't let it go.  I was sure everyone was focused on every wrong note.  I started comparing myself to the flute players who weren't there.  I told myself I was stupid for not having practiced more.  The more I berated myself, the worse my playing actually got, and the more sure I was that everyone probably wished I hadn't shown up at all!  I wished I hadn't shown up at all! 

Unfortunately these thoughts don't make me want to practice more.  They make me want to quit.  Had I let the mistakes go, and relaxed, there is about 100 percent chance that my playing would have been better.  Not perfect.  But better!  I know because I have been able to do that on other days.  So I made myself practice a little more this week, and tonight I hope to be more forgiving of my own mistakes.

So here's to leaving behind the heaps of guilt, and instead carrying around a good dose of compassion and forgiveness to apply to the mistakes that we all inevitably make.

Prayer Transcripts

From Google Images

Someone on the Christian Radio station asked,  "If you had a transcript of all of the prayers you said in the last year, what would it reveal about you?"  She asked if we thought our transcripts would show that our prayers had been more about making our lives easier, or developing our character to be more like our Saviors.  How much gratitude will we have given in contrast to requests made?

I have also read an article that suggested we pray for the things where our will and God's will overlap.  In a Christian story I read, the character explained that instead of asking for a piano, she would ask for the opportunity to develop her talent.  Instead of asking to be able to go on an exotic vacation, she might ask for the opportunity to learn about other cultures and peoples.  If she wanted someone to treat her better, she would ask instead that she would learn to love them no matter what.  She knew that it was possible that she would get answers to those prayers in ways she hadn't imagined, but she believed that God would answer them.

I do think it would be interesting to see the transcripts of a year of my prayers.  I have had thankful prayers, and prayers where my mind wandered all over and so the prayer kept getting off track.  I've gotten stuck in plenty a prayer rut where prayers were feeling a little repetitive, and I've had other prayers where I felt like Heavenly Father was helping me to know exactly what to say.  I am sure that I often pray for what I want, without even taking the time to consider what God wants. 

I am thankful for people who share what they have learned, and ask questions that give me good things to think about.  My hope is to continually learn to pray better, so that if I did see a transcript of my prayers, they would lean more to learning God's will than asking for mine, and that they would be more full of gratitude than a constant list of what I want. 

Always a Goal

Picture from Google Images

I find it really interesting to hear people talk about goals.  Just like a lot of things, what works for some, doesn't work for others.  Some people profess to hate goals, or believe they don't work.  Some people, I think, just have a goal to do the best they can, and that's what they do, without anything too specific.  Since I decided to use one word goals, or really sometimes two or four word goals, I have better success.  I pick something that I really want to do, not something I think I "should" do.  I mentioned before that I didn't choose "Health" as a goal until I felt like I was really ready to work on it without dread.

So, as always, I have a goal for the year.  I chose, "Love more, love better".  I was trying to decide how to work on this because I need to be able to see if I'm making some progress.  As I thought about it, I realized that this goal is just like choosing to review, and keep practicing, my last 6 goals.  So every month I have something specific to work on from one of those six original goals, each goal getting 2 months.  I was careful to make sure that these little goals are things that not only help me make progress, but are goals that I really want to do.  It's really not as complicated as it may sound, and I'm quite looking forward to some of them!

So, whether you like to make goals or not, it never hurts to think about whether you are making progress in becoming the kind of person you really want to be.  If you are heading the direction you want to go, great!  If not, maybe you can think of one small goal that will get you closer to being the best you possible.