Putting Pain in The Past

A year and less than a week ago I came home from the hospital after having had a hysterectomy.  The last, besides medicine, of my treatments for breast cancer.  Derek wanted to take pictures of us with some of our breast cancer things to celebrate.  To try, I think, to finally put the trauma, and pain in the past where it belongs. 

I have found, through experiencing other hard things, that the best way to put the pain in the past is to focus on gratitude.  On all of the things that went right, and on all of the good things that people did, and the prayers that were answered.  

I do not claim that focusing on gratitude and not on the things that were really hard, or scary, or that might still be a bother is easy.  I have gone to write letters expressing my gratitude, and sat and cried because I still felt more traumatized than grateful.  I have walked into doctor's offices for things not related to cancer and had to push back the feelings of anxiety over being in one more doctor's office after I've been in so many!  But the gratitude is there too, and over time, it becomes easier to focus on those things -- especially if I take the time to remember how very, very many things went right, and how generous and helpful family, friends, doctors, nurses, and even strangers were.

So here's to putting pain in the past, or at least covering past pain with gratitude until it really doesn't hurt anymore.

Kayli and Derek and Me

Remembering Kindness

A fun memory from 2009.  It was a white elephant gift for Derek
gave to me :-)

How far back can you remember someone being kind to you?  I was just thinking that I can remember a lot of people being kind throughout the years, and all of these years later I feel grateful for every kindness I remember.  Remembering these things helps me to be thankful for all of the good people I have come across in my life.  It also encourages me to remember to be kind myself.

Here are a few of the things I remember.  I remember getting up to find my Mom in the kitchen making breakfast and greeting me with a good morning.   When we moved to Kentucky, I can remember her sitting by me when I cried because I was homesick and assuring me that things would get better.  I remember the hug goodbye from my 3rd grade teacher before we moved, and the kindness of a girl named Wendy when I was panicking because we had to change classes and I'd never done that before.

In yet another new school my 6th grade teacher would talk to me at recess when I had nobody to play with.  In a new school in 9th grade I was greeted immediately upon entering the school by someone who welcomed me and said she would be my friend -- and she was.  Two friends from church helped me my senior year when I went to a new high school and was feeling completely lost and alone.  They showed up every hour and made sure I knew where to go.

My sisters would let me lay my head in their laps when I was feeling so down I couldn't quit crying, and my older sister sent me a flower at school at least once for Valentine's day.  My brothers and sisters were my friends through all of the ups and downs of growing up, and are still my friends.

I remember someone smiling at me when I was having a hard day in college, and a stranger at BYU walking with me to class and talking to me -- easing the loneliness I was feeling at the time. 

These things don't even scratch the surface, and don't even get me to halfway through my life!  Every good thing someone has done or said has made good times better, helped to get me through hard times, and has helped me become the person that I am.  I'm sure that I could look back and remember things that aren't as happy, but I like to focus on remembering kindness.

Happy Moments

On the right is my missionary son Elder Connor in Japan
I have had happy moments to hold on to with all of my children.
I like how happy Connor looks in this picture.

Almost every day, sometime around 12:30 p.m., Derek calls me from work.  I look forward to hearing his voice and talking to him for a few moments.  The other day he called and after talking to him I just felt very grateful.  It was the strong kind of gratitude that makes an impression, and sticks with me for hours, or even days.  Sometimes moments like this stay in my memory for years!  I am so thankful for these moments that are like happy rays of sunshine that warm me up, and keep me moving forward.

I have learned that most days have good things and hard things.  During the same day I can go through periods of energy and exhaustion.  Sometimes almost the whole day can feel hard.  It is good, especially on rough days, to look back and relive those little happy moments, and to remember that there are more to come.