There Is Only One Right Way -- And It's Mine!

Dan in the dishwasher 2008

When Derek and I got married I thought there was one "right" way to do things, and if Derek wasn't doing things my way, he was obviously doing it wrong and needed help.  Ha ha ha!  That's a rather prideful way to look at things really, though I probably still do this sometimes without thinking.

I remember trying to "fix" how Derek was cooking something.  He had the heat on too high!  I turned it down.  He raised his eyebrows and turned it back up and did it his way.  Guess what?  It turned out just fine.  The funny thing is, I think Derek was the more accomplished cook!  Even if he wasn't, he hadn't asked for my help, and I should have asked him if he wanted my help before I stepped in and tried to change what he was doing.

I also tend to think there is a "right" way to load the dishwasher.  Really, it is just my favorite way to load the dishwasher.  When I kept "fixing" how other people loaded it (especially while they were helping), I quit getting help at all!  It took me a long time to figure that out.  Now, when my hands start twitching to rearrange the dishwasher, I remind myself I'd rather have help than have it done my way.

Dan getting a drink

There are a lot of things that we might think we do the one "right" way.  I have learned that I need to be pretty careful before I step in and take over something -- trying to help.  If I wasn't asked to help, I need to stop and think about how it is going to make someone feel if I step in and redo something that they just did.  There really is more than one right way to do things a lot of the time, and I try to be careful not to believe that my way is the only way!

If You Love Me ....

"If you love me you will know what I want, especially because my hints are obvious."

Some of us go into marriage believing this, even if we do it unconsciously, but it isn't true, and here is why.

First, mind reading really isn't a reliable form of communication. I have sometimes believed that Derek should know what I want. I would get grumpy at him for not solving my grumpiness with his amazing insight -- gained through his great love for me. But here's the problem. When I asked myself what I wanted in those cases, I often didn't know! So how was he supposed to?

Second, no matter how obvious we think our hints are, they aren't. I still smile at the story some friends told us when they were first married. They were driving home, and the wife kept asking the husband if he was thirsty. He wasn't. She asked multiple times. He still wasn't thirsty! When they got home she started to cry. Why? Because she was thirsty and had wanted to stop for a drink! He assured her that if she had just said that she was thirsty he would have been happy to do what she wanted, but her "obvious" hint just looked like concern for his well being to him! (And if you are thinking to yourself, "but my hints are obvious -- just give it up already -- you'll be happier, and so will your spouse).

The Invisible Marriage Manual

This is a picture of Derek and me from maybe
2008.  I couldn't take a picture of our
invisible marriage manual because
it's invisible!!

*While Derek and I are off celebrating our 31st anniversary, blogger will kindly be automatically posting things I wrote about marriage -- with one non marriage one in the middle to celebrate cinco de mayo!

When two people get married, they each come with their own belief of what a good marriage looks like, who is responsible for what, and how exactly things should be done.

It is easy to make the mistake of assuming that our spouse is operating by the same "rules" as we are -- because some of our unwritten, unspoken rules do happen to match.  It is only when we run up against something in our invisible marriage manual that doesn't align with what is in our spouses invisible marriage manual that we have problems.

If we haven't talked about something and agreed on it, then there isn't a rule, and we need to communicate kindly, and with open minds, to come to an agreement on how things will work for us.  There are multiple right ways to do things, and no marriage will look exactly the same as another because we are all unique.
Maybe something I wrote will help you to make the one true marriage manual for your own marriage:-) and if not that -- then I hope they are at least interesting!

*The idea for this post came from a podcast by Jody Moore.