Thoughts From My Mom

*I asked my Mom to write something about marriage for me to post in my marriage series.  Many thanks to her for taking the time to write her thoughts.

My beautiful Mom and her dog Lizzie

Marriage was ordained by our Father in Heaven. It is the natural thing to desire
someone to spend your life with; someone to love and someone to love you.
Marriage is a very serious commitment and is not to be taken lightly. After having
been married nearly 58 years now I can look back over my own experiences and
experiences of others and I can truly say marriage is a wonderful thing.
Considering how inexperienced we are as youth, I think it sometimes a miracle
that as many marriages survive as they do.

Every marriage has its challenges and will have its lessons to learn. Marriage is the
perfect place for couples to learn those lessons together. It is a great place to
learn patience, forgiveness, money management, sacrifice, compromise.  No one is perfect in this life…but happiness can be found despite difference if patience and tolerance is practiced.

I think one lesson most of us learn early in marriage is that the only person we can change is ourselves. Yes, we do make changes to make our mates happy, but demanding or insisting on change is probably going to cause resentment more than change.

When a person marries, they need to consider that the person they are becoming
partners with is a precious child of God. I think each person should consider it
one of their responsibilities to help their mate to become the person Heavenly
Father wants them to be. That does not include nagging….it simply means
encouraging them when they are trying and supporting them in ways that are
helpful.

Marriage is a great institution that takes lots of love, patience,and working
together to solve problems. It takes loyalty to ones’ spouse. Even though
marriage can be challenging, there is one way to make sure it is successful: make
Heavenly Father you third partner. After careful discussion together to solve a
problem or make a decision, that decision should be taken to Heavenly Father for
verification. That doesn’t mean everything will be easy…but it can be right!! That
makes a happy marriage very likely.

Manners and Marriage

Years and years ago Derek and I were standing outside when some neighbors started arguing in the yard.  It was loud and easy to overhear.  Derek cringed and said something like, "They would never talk like that to anyone else.  Sometimes people forget to use manners with those who are closest to them."

Derek is so thoughtful, and if he can, he will do most anything I ask him to -- if I ask nicely.  If I try telling him to do it?  Well, then I should prepare to be disappointed -- or to quickly remember my manners!

People at home tend to get the worst of us.  They "have" to love us anyway, and we are tired by the time we get home from a busy day.  Remembering simple manners can make a huge difference in how everyone feels.  Good manners, including a kind tone of voice, can go a long way to making a happy marriage, and a happy life.

*Photo by Courtney Hedger on Unsplash

There Is Only One Right Way -- And It's Mine!

Dan in the dishwasher 2008

When Derek and I got married I thought there was one "right" way to do things, and if Derek wasn't doing things my way, he was obviously doing it wrong and needed help.  Ha ha ha!  That's a rather prideful way to look at things really, though I probably still do this sometimes without thinking.

I remember trying to "fix" how Derek was cooking something.  He had the heat on too high!  I turned it down.  He raised his eyebrows and turned it back up and did it his way.  Guess what?  It turned out just fine.  The funny thing is, I think Derek was the more accomplished cook!  Even if he wasn't, he hadn't asked for my help, and I should have asked him if he wanted my help before I stepped in and tried to change what he was doing.

I also tend to think there is a "right" way to load the dishwasher.  Really, it is just my favorite way to load the dishwasher.  When I kept "fixing" how other people loaded it (especially while they were helping), I quit getting help at all!  It took me a long time to figure that out.  Now, when my hands start twitching to rearrange the dishwasher, I remind myself I'd rather have help than have it done my way.

Dan getting a drink

There are a lot of things that we might think we do the one "right" way.  I have learned that I need to be pretty careful before I step in and take over something -- trying to help.  If I wasn't asked to help, I need to stop and think about how it is going to make someone feel if I step in and redo something that they just did.  There really is more than one right way to do things a lot of the time, and I try to be careful not to believe that my way is the only way!

Men Make Money, Women Stay Home With The Kids

Derek with baby Trisa
Trisa's Uncle Devin is in the background on the right.

When I got married I believed that the man should make all of the money, and the woman should stay home with the children.  Derek, I think, actually was okay with that belief -- unless me not working was going to make it so we didn't have enough money to live on.  So when Trisa was born and Derek was attending school full time and we needed money, Derek asked me to help earn some.  I did not like that, and tried to argue that I needed to stay home with Trisa.  I was the Mom, and I was sure I was supposed to.  Was Derek wrong to insist that I help?

Back then I might have thought so, but I don't anymore.  We were married.  We were equal partners.  Derek is really, really amazing and impressive in what he can do, but he can't do more than time allows, or that he has the energy for.  He was able to watch Trisa while I worked a lot of the times, and she came with me sometimes to a daycare where I worked and I held her during my lunch times.

When Derek graduated and got a "real" job then he did earn the money, and I did get to stay home (which I wanted to do), and when he came home from work, I was perfectly happy to have him help take care of the kids!

I have liked that Derek makes the money, and I stay home, but that isn't the only way to do things, and isn't the right way for everyone.  We did what we felt was right for us.  It is important in every marriage to keep working together as equal partners to figure out what is best for your family, and to remember that what is best can change throughout the years.

My oldest child (Trisa) and my youngest (Dan)
2006

If You Love Me ....

"If you love me you will know what I want, especially because my hints are obvious."

Some of us go into marriage believing this, even if we do it unconsciously, but it isn't true, and here is why.

First, mind reading really isn't a reliable form of communication. I have sometimes believed that Derek should know what I want. I would get grumpy at him for not solving my grumpiness with his amazing insight -- gained through his great love for me. But here's the problem. When I asked myself what I wanted in those cases, I often didn't know! So how was he supposed to?

Second, no matter how obvious we think our hints are, they aren't. I still smile at the story some friends told us when they were first married. They were driving home, and the wife kept asking the husband if he was thirsty. He wasn't. She asked multiple times. He still wasn't thirsty! When they got home she started to cry. Why? Because she was thirsty and had wanted to stop for a drink! He assured her that if she had just said that she was thirsty he would have been happy to do what she wanted, but her "obvious" hint just looked like concern for his well being to him! (And if you are thinking to yourself, "but my hints are obvious -- just give it up already -- you'll be happier, and so will your spouse).

The Invisible Marriage Manual

This is a picture of Derek and me from maybe
2008.  I couldn't take a picture of our
invisible marriage manual because
it's invisible!!

*While Derek and I are off celebrating our 31st anniversary, blogger will kindly be automatically posting things I wrote about marriage -- with one non marriage one in the middle to celebrate cinco de mayo!

When two people get married, they each come with their own belief of what a good marriage looks like, who is responsible for what, and how exactly things should be done.

It is easy to make the mistake of assuming that our spouse is operating by the same "rules" as we are -- because some of our unwritten, unspoken rules do happen to match.  It is only when we run up against something in our invisible marriage manual that doesn't align with what is in our spouses invisible marriage manual that we have problems.

If we haven't talked about something and agreed on it, then there isn't a rule, and we need to communicate kindly, and with open minds, to come to an agreement on how things will work for us.  There are multiple right ways to do things, and no marriage will look exactly the same as another because we are all unique.
Maybe something I wrote will help you to make the one true marriage manual for your own marriage:-) and if not that -- then I hope they are at least interesting!

*The idea for this post came from a podcast by Jody Moore.