Making Up Stories

The stories we tell ourselves can have a lot of power.

When I try to call someone and they don't answer, or the phone is busy, I often like to make up a story about why they aren't answering or who they are talking to.  I like to guess!  This can be harmless depending on the story I tell myself.

In my journal I wrote that "I need to teach myself NOT to make up stories about why things happen -- because I far too often believe my fiction as fact!"  Now, if I tell myself someone isn't answering my call because they are driving, there really isn't any harm done.  On the other hand, if the story I tell myself is that they aren't answering because they saw it was me and didn't want to talk to me, I can start feeling unloved and unwanted even though the story I told myself wasn't true!

Other stories that can be harmful are the ones we tell ourselves that have us being responsible for the thoughts and feelings someone else has, or the actions they take and the words they say, when we really do NOT have that much power.  I do this most often with my children.  Unfortunately, taking the blame for something that I had no choice in doesn't really end up helping, it just leaves me feeling like a failure.

I still like to make up stories, but now, when I make up stories about why things happen, or why someone does or says something, I try to make up a story that is as happy for me, and as kind to others as I can because my brain will take the stories I tell myself, and have me feeling they are true.

*Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash

Speak and Act Out of Love

It is best to take our frustrations to the Lord and our love to the people. 

John Lund

Dan, Tia, Jake, Connor, Trisa, and Kayli in 2012
I'm thankful for every time I remembered to keep my mouth shut when I was frustrated
with any of these wonderful people!

When I get frustrated I can feel my whole body start to tense up and I can almost feel my frustrated thoughts trying to get out into the open.  If I don't stop myself from speaking when I'm frustrated, I regret it.  I am not very loving in those moments!

When Connor was in junior high and was having problems with anxiety, I would get anxious too, and frustrated that I didn't know how to help.  Then, when I spoke during that frustration Connor would say, "It doesn't help for you to get angry at me!"  I would then have to explain that I wasn't angry at him, just frustrated that I didn't know how to help him.  I'm sure that this explanation was never as good as the times that I waited through the frustration, and spoke consciously with love.

Connor got better as time went by, and I am convinced that one of the largest factors was that I got better at taking my frustrations to Heavenly Father, and speaking more calmly, from a place of love, to Connor.

Intimidation and Confidence

Years ago I used to play the organ in church.  The thing is, I do not play the organ.  I play the piano.  So I never used the organ pedals and someone always had to tell me which stops to pull out.  I was not, and am not a confident pianist, and I for sure was not confident playing the organ!  My hands would shake, making it harder to play.  It was always worse when a particular man came to our ward because I knew he was an organist, and I was intimidated by this fact, and shook harder, and played worse.

Another year, in another ward, I was accompanying the choir at church.  During the practice right before the performance my music had blown off of the piano and so my friend said I should put the music in a notebook, and she would help turn the pages.  It turns out there were a couple of problems with this plan.  First, I hadn't practiced that way, which had me feeling extra nervous!  Second, my friend was turning the pages, and she could no doubt play the music better than I could without her ever having practiced that song.  She is an excellent pianist!  Having her sit by me had me thinking about how unaccomplished I was, and every time she went to turn the page I would shake harder.

This kind of intimidation came from my lack of confidence, and perhaps from pride.  The pride of not wanting to prove how much worse I was at something than someone else.  I would have happily turned my music playing tasks over to these more accomplished people, and at the same time I would have been disappointed in myself for not following through with the responsibilities that were mine.  This is the kind of intimidation that can keep us from progressing.  It is comparing ourselves, finding ourselves less than, and allowing that to keep us from trying.  It is easy to do, and I do have compassion for those who do this.  I do it myself!  It is hard to get past the nerves created by worrying that we aren't good enough.

I still end up playing the piano when I am not the best pianist in the room, or doing any number of things when a more skilled person is present.  On these occasions I try to remember that most people are glad it is me up there making mistakes and not them.  I like to remember to laugh at myself when I goof so nobody has to feel awkward.  And, I am thankful to have learned that the people who are more skilled than me are often the most compassionate when I goof because they have not always been so skilled and have their own stories of being intimidated, and of making mistakes!

**Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

The Happiness of Repentance

Repentance = Getting back on the path to God.

I heard a definition of sin and repentance that I find helpful.  Sin is anything that has us turning away from God, and Repentance is turning back towards God.  Sin gets us off the path, and repentance gets us back.

Sometimes we seem to believe that beating ourselves up about whatever we have thought, said, or done wrong is required for forgiveness, but if we are traveling any road, and we get beaten up, it makes getting where we want to go harder.  Obviously we need to recognize that we have turned away from God, and it is okay to feel bad, but beating ourselves up isn't feeling bad.  It's feeling bad and then tearing ourselves down too.  It is telling ourselves we are stupid, and that our mistake has made us unsalvageable, or not worth saving.  It is denying that Christ's atonement can reach us, which takes us even farther away from God.

I have been the queen of beating myself up on occasion, never stopping to think of this as a lack of faith in Christ.  It isn't until relatively recently that I realized what a joyful thing it is to recognize a sin so that I have the opportunity to turn back towards God!  This morning I read in Job 5:17 "Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth:...".  I do not like getting "in trouble" and have often wondered how being corrected by God could be happy -- but it is!  He can help us see where we have turned away from Him, and He will help us turn back to Him.  He is love -- and turning back towards love is happy!

**Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash

From a Little Seed

Every year when I plant a garden, I am amazed at what a big plant can come from one tiny little seed.  The seed needs dirt, water, and sunlight and to not be allowed to be choked out by weeds, and then it grows into the same kind of plant it came from -- creating more seeds to grow more plants from!  It really is miraculous.

We are miraculous too.  We can be the seeds.  The dirt can be our environment --which can be good, bad, or in between.  Water can represent our physical needs.  If we don't take care of ourselves, we shrivel faster!  If we do take care of ourselves, we grow stronger (unless attacked by diseases and pests!).  Sunlight is what we need from God.  It is His love, and knowledge and what keeps our spirits growing and improving.  He's the gardener that is there to help fix things when we mess them up. Weeds can be the things that sneak into our environment.  They are sins, and distractions.  They can grow so big that they keep us from the sun, and they drink all of the water.

No analogy is perfect.  But just look at how much of our growth we have a choice about! We can choose to make our environments better, or can get lax and let destructive things in.  We can take care of ourselves, or not, which can really help or hinder our growth in all areas.  We can choose to repent, and allow God into our lives fully, or we can believe that those "weeds" won't really make that big of a difference.  We have a choice in so many things!  We may not have a choice about which diseases or pests come our way, but we do have a choice of how we will deal with them, and whether we will turn towards God or away from Him because of them.

I hope to grow into the kind of "plant" that will make the Gardener happy.  The kind who reaches for The Son, appreciates the rain, and doesn't allow the weeds to thrive!  The kind of plant who doesn't let diseases and pests keep me from hope, and light.  Then, before winter comes, the little seed that is me, can become something truly miraculous.

Grace

We all are going to have trials that cause us to need consolation, and will make mistakes that leave us unclean.  We are all in need of transformation!  Where will that consolation and cleansing come from?  It will come through Christ's grace, through His power to save us through the atonement He made.  

We are not God, but we can extend grace to those around us in the best way we know how.  We can console people in their sadness, or hard times.  We can love them when they make mistakes.  Jesus does that for all of us when we turn to Him, and we get to practice doing that for each other.  When we receive Christ's grace ourselves it makes us want to extend that same grace to those around us.  To love, to be patient, to forgive, to help, to console.

It is by seeing us receiving grace and then extending grace to each other that people can be led to Christ, who is the one who saves.

Mealtime. Sacred?

Photo by Francois Pistorius on Unsplash

During the introduction to one of my Tai Chi DVDs Scott Cole said that he considers "mealtime a sacred time dedicated to fueling my body in the best, highest order possible."

I have been taught that my body is a temple, and temples are sacred.  It makes sense to me that we should pay attention to what we put into our bodies.  We should be mindful of whether we are giving our bodies good fuel, or the kind that corrodes the tank (so to speak).

I will admit that I have not really ever been great about "fueling my body in the best, highest order possible".  I mostly have fueled it in a tasty, but not so healthy manner.  Making mealtime sacred in the way Scott Cole talked about is worth some thought, and when I think of mealtime this way, I eat healthier food!

Mourning Normal

Me and Derek making the hospital look like a happy place!

I sometimes think that I am happiest when things are "normal", and then I remember that there really isn't a normal in this life -- at least not a permanent normal.  Life is ever changing and I need to not let that change ruin my happiness, but when I was going through all of the drama of last year a wise friend told me that it was okay to mourn.  I sometimes tried to tell myself that other people's situations were worse and therefore I shouldn't mourn.  I felt like maybe it was unfair or weak of me to be sad over something that wasn't as hard as another person's trial -- but that's not really how it works.  Comparison doesn't make what's hard for me go away, and doesn't make it easier either.

After my surgeries last year my body just isn't "normal" anymore.  I have cried over that a few times.  Then I realized how many times my body has changed rather drastically since I was born, and I decided I needed to just get used to the changes and move on.  Still, I have discovered that mourning doesn't just all of a sudden end no matter how logical I try to be.  It can come and go in waves.  Thankfully the waves get smaller and smaller as time goes by.

There is such a thing as normal I think -- normal for us -- but it is always temporary.  I have found that when things get abnormal, focusing on the things that I have to be grateful for helps to ease the pain of loss, but it is okay to feel the pain.  Feeling the pain and sorrow of mourning, eventually helps me to have a greater appreciation for peace and joy.

Latter-day Saints

Photo by ActionVance on Unsplash

I do not often stop to consider why, in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are called saints.  It certainly isn't because we have reached perfection!  Elder Renlund in a 2015 general conference talk called "Latter-day Saints Keep Trying" said,

"If we don’t try, we’re just latter-day sinners; if we don’t persevere, we’re latter-day quitters; and if we don’t allow others to try, we’re just latter-day hypocrites.  As we try, persevere, and help others to do the same, we are true Latter-day Saints. As we change, we will find that God indeed cares a lot more about who we are and about who we are becoming than about who we once were."

I like so many things about this quote, but maybe especially that we don't need to look back and keep regretting the same things over and over.  We cannot re-do the past.  We can focus forward and trust that God cares more about who we are than who we were, and He will help us to become who we were meant to be.  

Let Go Of Anger

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
This is a picture of a couple of
the things that can help
us to let go of anger.

I either don't get angry very easily, or I don't have a lot to be angry over, but I do remember one specific situation where I was angry.  Somebody did and said some things that I didn't think were right, or fair, and that I felt put me in an uncomfortable spot.  I was angry!  I was angry for quite a while and hope never to repeat the experience!  I made the mistake of dwelling on what I thought they should have known, on what they should have done, and on what I wish I had said.  I wondered if I should let them know they were wrong.

The answer was no.  The situation was past.  There was nothing that needed to be done.  It was over.  Telling the person that I was angry and that they were wrong wasn't going to help.  It was too late for either of us to say or do anything differently and that particular situation wasn't likely to ever happen again.  And, there is always the possibility (believe it or not) that I wasn't completely right either!  So, eventually, after obsessing about it for a while, and talking to Derek, and probably days of prayer, I just let it go.  I stopped thinking about it.

I had thought that what this person had done was wrong and unfair and I was frustrated, but I only felt better when I chose to let go of the angry thoughts and replaced them with kind thoughts of forgiveness, understanding, and charity.  I only felt better when I let go of the pride that had me feeling like I needed to prove that I was right.

Lucius Annaues Seneca said, "Anger if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful than the injury that provokes it."  Being angry hurt me more than anyone, and forgiving was a relief.

I'm Lucky

Photo by Amy Reed on Unsplash

I'm always coming up with new plans.  My latest is to write a song a month, even if it is just a short silly song.  This is my first one.  To listen to it, click on the title, and as usual, just smile and be amused at all of the flaws in the video.

I'm Lucky

Some people think if they need luck

They’d better find a four leaf clover

But I think if they need some luck

They ought to call me over!

I have to think I’m lucky

I have some proof you’ll see!

For almost every time I smile

Someone smiles back at me!

I’m sure that I am lucky

Because it’s the honest truth

While walking on a house or two

I’ve never fallen off a roof!

Now I’ve been sick a few times

But that’s no cause for doubt

I’ve always gotten well you know

Which should give me some clout

And though I’ve fallen down some

And been yelled at one the phone

I also have been given hugs

And I never broke a bone!

I’ve got lots of proof I’m lucky.

I cannot share it all!

But if luck was measured up in height

I would be really tall!

So if you think that you need luck

Don’t look for a four leaf clover

It’s better to give me a call

And I will come right over!

My 11 Year Old Self

I pulled out my 11 - 12 year old journal this morning and had a few really good laughs!  Obviously, all journals are not full of wisdom.  At least I have proof that I have grown up some!  I like to look back with love and compassion on my younger self.  I was trying hard to figure out this world we live in, and I think I was doing the best I could.  Here are some quotes from July 1979 with the spelling fixed, and a little added punctuation so it is easier to read.

"Yesterday was a day of a great many excitements but there was one particular time when the girl Tina was babysitting got mad walked out and slammed the door.  Since there was nothing Tina or I could do we went through some cards and wrote down some commitments to choose from and do.  I chose from the commitments I got.  I chose eight of them in which I hope to complete them all within about 12 months."

"Today I woke up at 10:30 giving me the total of 11 and 1/2 hours of sleep last night (a little overdone).  Starting today, Bed by 10:00, up by 6:30"

And here's one that made me laugh out loud.

"Yesterday I found out a guy ... liked me.  Imagine that Me!  He got his sister to ask me if I liked him.  I, like a dumbo said, sort of when he is my 2nd or 3rd choice.  What a nice day.  All the talks were good and interesting."  

 I'm so glad I am not 11 or 12 anymore but it is fun to read the words my younger self thought were worth recording!

Do You Want To Build A Snowman?

Jake and Derek with our snow creations.

Snow Pig, and Snowman

It seems to me that it takes energy to be happy.  I have also heard that it takes using energy to get energy.  On Sunday after church I was feeling sleepy.  I thought that maybe I should just lie down, but it had snowed, and the snow was good packing snow, and I wanted to build a snowman.  I almost let sleepiness win, but I thought I would regret it and so I went and started getting my boots and coat on.

I told Dan I wanted to build a snowman and he said, "I don't!"   Derek might not have wanted to either, but he came out with me and helped me.  Then Jake came and made huge snowballs, and I made a snow pig (that was supposed to be a dog) and I tried to turn Derek's next big snowball, with mine on top, into a duck.  All the while Teddy the dog was running around (he's fast!) looking super happy.

I had so much fun!  I so often do not choose the activity because I feel tired, and it seems too hard.  I am rather proud of myself for choosing to be fun (I told the kids to write about it in their journals) and so thankful that Derek and Jake came outside too.  That activity woke me up, and I felt so happy!  That energy lasted the whole rest of the day!  I hope I will remember to more often choose activity -- not just to get energy -- but to make memories.

Teddy happily running

Derek next to his big snowball

Me and the "snow duck" that you really will have to use your imagination to see.
Just go ahead and believe it's the wrong camera angle :-)

Teddy and Jake.  I love this picture.

Jake and Teddy.  I love this one too because Jake is happy.
In the background Derek is probably trying to shore up the snowman
who is leaning towards the front.  I fully expect the snowman
to fall on his face sometime today.
Poor snowman.