Intimidation and Confidence

Years ago I used to play the organ in church.  The thing is, I do not play the organ.  I play the piano.  So I never used the organ pedals and someone always had to tell me which stops to pull out.  I was not, and am not a confident pianist, and I for sure was not confident playing the organ!  My hands would shake, making it harder to play.  It was always worse when a particular man came to our ward because I knew he was an organist, and I was intimidated by this fact, and shook harder, and played worse.

Another year, in another ward, I was accompanying the choir at church.  During the practice right before the performance my music had blown off of the piano and so my friend said I should put the music in a notebook, and she would help turn the pages.  It turns out there were a couple of problems with this plan.  First, I hadn't practiced that way, which had me feeling extra nervous!  Second, my friend was turning the pages, and she could no doubt play the music better than I could without her ever having practiced that song.  She is an excellent pianist!  Having her sit by me had me thinking about how unaccomplished I was, and every time she went to turn the page I would shake harder.

This kind of intimidation came from my lack of confidence, and perhaps from pride.  The pride of not wanting to prove how much worse I was at something than someone else.  I would have happily turned my music playing tasks over to these more accomplished people, and at the same time I would have been disappointed in myself for not following through with the responsibilities that were mine.  This is the kind of intimidation that can keep us from progressing.  It is comparing ourselves, finding ourselves less than, and allowing that to keep us from trying.  It is easy to do, and I do have compassion for those who do this.  I do it myself!  It is hard to get past the nerves created by worrying that we aren't good enough.

I still end up playing the piano when I am not the best pianist in the room, or doing any number of things when a more skilled person is present.  On these occasions I try to remember that most people are glad it is me up there making mistakes and not them.  I like to remember to laugh at myself when I goof so nobody has to feel awkward.  And, I am thankful to have learned that the people who are more skilled than me are often the most compassionate when I goof because they have not always been so skilled and have their own stories of being intimidated, and of making mistakes!

**Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash